Do more.

If you haven't heard about the Ennegram, you should look it up. It's like a magic guide to understanding your personality and inner workings. I'm a 1 on the Ennegram. It's titled "The Perfectionist" and this is what it says about 1's:

"Ones are conscientious and ethical, with a strong sense of right and wrong. They are teachers, crusaders, and advocates for change: always striving to improve things, but afraid of making a mistake. Well-organized, orderly, and fastidious, they try to maintain high standards, but can slip into being critical and perfectionist. They typically have problems with resentment and impatience." 

It kind of stresses me out to even tell yall that I'm a 1 because that tells you A LOT about my inner workings which then puts me in a vulnerable position. And I hate being appearing vulnerable. But I'm telling yall that I'm a 1 for a reason. 

Everything that has been happening in America recently deeply disturbs me. It deeply disturbs me that so many people could be filled with so much hate towards people just because they're different. 1's are also in the anger triad. I wouldn't call myself an angry person and I absolutely do not tolerate tempers, but I also find myself making a conscience effort to not be angry with the way things are right now. 

It makes me angry that there are people that are racist, sexist, and homophobic.

It makes me angry that people are rioting for "white rights" when they're really just rioting for hate.

It makes me angry that a woman died at the hands of these riots. 

It makes me angry that some of them are doing it in the name of Jesus.

It makes me angry that we have a president that has created a culture where hate is okay. 

Finally, it makes me angry that I am so angry. 

Friends, I have to make a conscience effort to not let that anger consume me and change me from within. The only reason that that doesn't happen is because of my faith in Jesus. However, that anger does move me to action. Because even though my livelihood is not being directly influenced, I will always fight on the side of love and against hate. 

In the midst of all of the Charlottesville riots, a church here in town was vandalized. Willow Grove Baptist Church is right outside Waco and is pastored by a fellow Truett student. One night, someone broke into the historic church and poured bleach on the carpets, wrote "Satan" "Trump" and swastikas on the floor, and just vandalized other parts of the building. It was the definition of a hate crime. That also made me angry.

That Sunday, I went to church with a longing desire to spend time with the Lord. I desperately wanted His comfort. I was heartbroken and sad. I spent Saturday going between trying to ignore all my emotions and randomly tearing up. Sunday morning, I saw that there was a community prayer gathering at Willow Grove at noon. I decided to go and I am SO gad that I did. It was one of the most powerful experiences of my life. The small church was packed full of people from every background, denomination, race, gender, sexual orientation, and culture. And it was SO joyful. We sang together, prayed together, and reminded each other that God is sovereign and that there is always victory in the Lord. It took my heart (which tends to be pretty cynical) and made it joyful through a powerful presence of the Holy Spirit. I'm convinced that I got a small glimpse of Heaven during that service.

Does that erase the fact that someone was hateful? Of course not. But it led to prayers of forgiveness, welcoming, and repentance. 

Will I ever understand why people are so filled with hate? Of course not. 

Will I ever understand why people see our current president fit to run the country? Nope. 

Will I ever stop being angry about the way people treat people that are different than themselves? I sure hope not. 

This is why we have to listen to one another, friends. If you disagree with one another, that is okay! But give the other person respect and listen to their opinion instead of attacking their humanity. Surround yourself with people that are different than you. Find someone of a different gender, race, social economic status, or sexual orientation and listen to their story and their struggles. I guarantee that it will change you to your core. 

Do more listening. Do more forgiving. Do more.

Dilapidated Houses

I've always been the type of person to crave routine, stability, and consistency. This came in handy when I started grad school here in Waco because I didn't have to change houses, towns, or communities. I've been in Waco for 6 years now and my love for this town grows stronger as time goes on. But lately, things have been slightly different.

I've been very antsy lately. Wanting a change. Wanting something new. 

There's an area of Waco that I drive through pretty frequently. This area is a tad rough and it's one that would probably make my parents nervous if I lived in it but I absolutely LOVE it. Every time I drive through the area, I want to buy one of dilapidated houses and fix it up. *Can I say how much I hate the fact that I tried to find a different phrase rather than "fix it up" to avoid saying it about a house in Waco and people think I'm referring to Fixer Upper??* I almost get overwhelmed by how badly I want to buy one of these houses. It's one of my dreams to do this and I want to do it soon. I want to do it now.

I also keep seeing jobs posted that I absolutely love. Jobs that would utilize my two Master degrees. Then I quickly remember that I'm not done with school and I won't be done with school for another TWO YEARS. But I want these jobs now.

*Insert complainy Erin that is having a mid-life crisis* 

I'm over this stage of life and want to be in the next stage of life. I'm tired of being in school. I'm tired of only working part time while spending the rest of my time doing homework. I want to move onto the next stage of life where I have a full time job, I can read all year long for fun, I'm married, and we buy a house in my favorite area to fix up and become part of the neighborhood. I've been in this stage of life for too long and I want more. I feel like the Lord could be using me more in other settings.

Before I write a blog, I usually let it sit in my head for a little bit. As of yesterday, that last paragraph was going to be the end of the post. I was going to post it without a happy ending. I think too often, we tell the story after it's finished and we skip the process. Usually a process that isn't fun and isn't quick, but a process that involves God doing a lot of work within us. So I was going to let yall see the process and then a few months later, would give yall the happy ending. (Remember how I like plans?)

Then I went to church this morning. I had a feeling that church this morning was going to do some work on me. Saturday night, I was hoping and praying that the sermon was somehow going to be related to this and that God would use our pastor to speak. Sure enough, that's exactly what happened. We talked about living a life that exemplifies the Gospel even in the mundane everyday life that we live. Our pastor said, "Whatever state of life you're in, it's telling the story of Jesus Christ." 

Ouch. 

Then he said, "The feeling of not being enough is something that Christ never called us to feel."

Ouch. 

So as you can tell, church was pretty convicting but also pretty encouraging.

Now, don't be fooled. It wasn't like I went to church, heard the sermon, and everything was magically better. Am I still over this stage of life? Yes. Do I want to be done with school and start the next stage of life? Yes. But anytime I think about not being content with my life right now, I think about what God is doing in my life right now. The people that He has surrounded me with, the wonderful community in Waco, the privilege to work with and learn from my clients at my job, and the way He is shaping and molding my heart right now. I know this is shocking to you, but I can be stubborn and very set in my ways. So whenever God is working on something in my life (aka all the time), it usually takes a while for it to really click with me and change within my heart.

So while there was a slightly happy intersection, it wasn't an ending. Just a jump start to the whole process. Bear with me and we'll see where it goes

Lent

The Lenten season is kind of a new thing for me. It’s funny for me to type that because I grew up in a Christian home and we always focused on the true meaning of Easter. But when I think of Lent during my childhood, I think of the Catholic religion. Only Catholics got ashes on their heads on Ash Wednesday and gave something up for 40 days. My Catholic family couldn’t eat meat on Fridays. Good Friday came and led to Resurrection Sunday and then we celebrated. 

Unfortunately, I wasn’t too affected by the Lenten season. 

It was only when I came to Truett and started exploring my faith a lot more that I really came to value and appreciate the Lenten season for what it is. I’ve spent time in prayer and reflection to figure out what I need to remove from my life or add to it in order to become more like Christ.  By observing the Lenten season for what it is, it makes the Gospel more meaningful to me. It’s a time of reflection and spiritual formation that draws me closer to Christ. It’s a holy and sacred time.

 In my last post, I talked about sacredness. It seems like this theme just isn’t going away anytime soon! All week, so many conversations have ended up talking about the sacredness of life. The Lord has also been making it really evident to me that this is something I need to be focusing on.

In multiple classes of mine, we started talking about the separation that we place between sacred moments and secular moments. 

*side note* I love when the same conversations happen in different classes with different professors and different students. It’s a nice reminder that the Lord is in control of everything, including conversations.

 Anyway, we, as Christians, are called to bridge the gap between secular and sacred moments. There shouldn't be a distinction. Every moment, interaction, and encounter that we have can be a sacred moment if we choose to recognize it. This is difficult for me in a number of ways but I also have gotten really bad at not living in the moment. My days, weeks, and months are SO planned out. I'm constantly looking at the next assignment, the next meeting, the next social event. I'm constantly looking ahead and end up missing the right now.

During this Lenten season (and even after), I’m trying my best to be intentional about recognizing these moments. Instead of just thinking of it as giving a client a ride somewhere, I can think of it as a holy moment to pour into that client and let them know they are loved. Instead of just having to do homework for class, I can think of it as an opportunity to learn more about the Lord and learn how to be a better minister. When we try to find the sacredness in every moment, it completely changes our mindset and how we view the world as a whole. This concept is so exciting to me. Every moment is sacred if we choose to find the sacred in the moment. I’m excited to see how the Lord will stretch me and help me grow in Him.

I’m interested to know how you’re observing the Lenten season. Everyone approaches this season differently and I genuinely want to hear about the work that the Lord is doing within you during this season and beyond.

Sacred Time

My kids at work get very overwhelmed and overstimulated very easily. When this happens, we help them do different things that we call "grounding exercises." These exercise utilize their senses and help remind their brain that they are in the present time and that they are safe. We get them to see things around them, take deep breaths, talk about what they smell, and just make them feel safe and secure. 

I spent the weekend in Rockport and it was a bit of a grounding exercise for me.

The past 3 months have been challenging, to say the least. If you know me well, you know that I hate dealing with emotions. For me, it's easier to push the emotions aside in order to continue on with life. But you can only do that for so long. 

At the end of December and into January, I experienced betrayal and shock like I never had before. That ended up leading to anger and resentment like I had never experienced and didn't want to experience. This experience also include deep sadness like I had only experienced once in my life before. 

I've also been deeply struggling with the Church and Christianity as a whole. Let me be clear, I'm not struggling with my faith and my relationship with Jesus Christ. I honestly don't know if my relationship with the Lord has ever been stronger than it currently is. I see things that a lot of Christians are doing and there are things that I think the Church is severely failing on. I'm trying my hardest to not be overly political because that is not my point. But I see a lot of Christians saying and doing things that go against the scripture and it's deeply disheartening for me. The past few months, I've felt rejected because of my political and spiritual beliefs and that has been hard for me to handle.

One of my biggest personality flaws is emotional cutoff. I am 100% invested in people and will fight with them and for them with everything I have. However, if someone does something that hurts me, I am 100% out very quickly and very permanently. I will still be nice and considerate, but I emotionally shutoff and end the relationship. Right now, it is a daily struggle for me to not do that with the Church. I'm angry with the Church and I'm having to work that out. 

I also just ended a relationship that I had been in for four months. There are no hard feelings towards him by any means and the relationship as a whole was great. While he was great and I have a lot of respect for him, the feelings just weren't there so I ended it.  Regardless of how things end, ending a relationship is a stressful and emotional ordeal. It's definitely not fun.

Then mix all of that with working and taking 12 hours in grad school. The past 3 months have been highly emotional, exhausting, overwhelming, restless, and disheartening. So I decided I needed a reset. My soul longed to be around my people and the water. I'm 24 years old and I desperately needed a hug from my mom and dad. 

This weekend in Rockport was a grounding exercise for me. When I think about the last 2 days, the word that comes to mind is "sacred." I was able to spend time with my family on both sides, old friends, get rest, and also get some homework done all while never feeling rushed or busy. 

One of my best friends from high school just happened to be in town this weekend. One cousin from Nashville and one from Austin just happened to be in town, as well. It was definitely God-ordained!

I needed this weekend to remind me of who I am, where I came from, and where I am headed. I drive around and see the water and it calms my spirit and my soul. I spend time with my friends and family and get reminded that people believe in me and how fortunate I am to have the family that I do. I walk into church and am reminded that I have people fighting for me and praying for me. I drive through old Rockport and see my great grandparent's house and am reminded of the family that has set the foundation for my life. Don't get me wrong, I have a very close group of people in Waco that I think of as family. But going home is different. 

It's sacred. 

This morning, I was doing some homework while sitting by the water at the beach. The nice thing about seminary is that some of the homework is reading scripture. One of my favorite things about seminary is seeing my personal walk with the Lord line up with my classwork. I had to read the book of Ecclesiastes for one of my classes and one passage resonate with me quite deeply. The beginning of chapter 3 states: 

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:

 a time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; 

 a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up; 

 a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance; 

 a time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; 

 a time to seek, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to throw away; 

 a time to tear, and a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; 

 a time to love, and a time to hate;
a time for war, and a time for peace.

Life has seasons. Some seasons are fun while others are challenging and testing. I am currently in a season full of struggles and challenges. But that also means that I'm in a season of being refined and molded. For that, I choose to be grateful. 

This weekend has been sacred. I stand by the water, drive around town, laugh with my family and friends, and I am reminded that

 I am safe.

 I am cared for. 

I am loved. 

I am supported. 

I am His. 

Escaping life for just a weekend has the power to ground me in a way that I can't explain. 

A sacred grounding.