Heartbreak

Sometimes, the world just makes me sad. I'm not talking about the "Man, I wish things were better" type of sad. I mean sad as in heartbreaking. Overwhelming. Disheartening. 

On Monday, I was sitting in class looking at Facebook (sorry, Dr.Weaver) and I literally almost started crying. I don't want to get into politics. Mainly because I've noticed a majority of people on my facebook thinking very differently than I do on certain topics. However, it's my blog so I can discuss what I want to discuss :)

The Texas governor made a decision that I didn't agree with. This broke my heart. It broke my heart to think about the people that fleeing from their homes with literally nothing in the hopes of staying alive. The think "if we can only get to ______ then someone will help us." So they get to America and what happens? All states in the south say no. They say no to helping the "least of these." 

Then, I get on Facebook and find people cheering for this decision. Not only were people cheering, but they were ecstatic at the fact that America would not help them. 

"Send them to another country so they can bomb them instead."

"We should just be killing them as they come into the country before they can kill us."

 "Send them home to fight." 

"Why should we help them?" 

 

We help them because they are human and have no where else to go. We are saying no to those that Jesus specifically told us to help. And why? Because they're a different religion? Because they're from a different country? That's not how it works! 

That's the part the made me sad. The responses from people that I call friends and family. It was something that I hadn't experienced before. A sadness and heartbreak that hit so close to home that I was overwhelmed with it all. 

Maybe this is a stretch, but when people talk about the refugees, I think of the clients at my work. The lady and her two babies that I had to pick up at the ER because her husband had assaulted her. The woman who had no where to go. She was scared, her life was in danger, and she only had the things she could grab as she ran out the door. SOMEONE has to help those people. Stepping into the lives of people who are in need and broken opens our eyes to the pain of all kinds of others.

So right now, I'm just really discouraged and disheartened with the people in the world. Everyone from those that commit acts of terror such as ISIS to hateful and closeminded people on my newsfeed. I open social media and I see more things that make me sad than those that make me happy. I'm heartbroken by the people of the world and I'm not sure that that is something I can come to terms with.

However, I'm not sure I'm supposed to come to terms with it. The book of John tells us, "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

Jesus is more than all of this. Jesus will overcome when I can't. His love will win. 

Change

Change used to be a scary word for me.

It meant unknown.

Out of my control.

Scary.

And most of all, it meant giving up my pride.

While it's still slightly scary, I'm a lot better at change than I used to be.

I was talking with a colleague of mine and were discussing transitions. I started thinking about where I was at this time of my life last year. If I had any idea what the next year would bring, I probably would have crawled under the covers and not come out.
In the past year, I've experienced more death of dear family members and friends than I ever have in my life combined. I graduated college. I started a job. I started grad school. I started a relationship. I started a different job. I ended a relationship. I fell in love with a community of people that I never thought I would work with. I established a life in Waco. I found out how hard seminary truly is yet how rewarding it is.

So. Much. Change.

And you know what? I survived! I feel like I've grown and matured an incredible amount in the past year and especially in the past 6 months. I've learned a lot about myself. Qualities about me that I had pushed aside instead of dealing with. I have a lot more confidence in who I am and especially who I am in Christ. I've learned a lot about people and how despite being flawed (just as I am), at their core, people just crave to be loved and respected. I've learned that people won't agree with me on everything and that's perfectly okay.

I've learned that change is okay. It's inevitable and unavoidable. And from what I've learned, it's Christ teaching me that He is ALWAYS in control of my life even when I feel like it's out of control.

It's a good thing that I've become a lot more comfortable with change, because there's gonna be a lot of it in the next few weeks or so.
About a month and a half ago, I learned that the non-profit that I work for is shutting down and come October 31st, I will no longer have a job. The thought of leaving my kids, community, and colleagues makes me sick. I hate it. I can barely talk about it without tearing up. But whether I like it or not, it's happening. For the past 7 months, the residents at my apartment complex have become my life. I'm invested in the community and I absolutely hate having to leave them.
So preparing to leave my kids, looking for a new job, and *hopefully* starting a new job, there will be lots and lots of change. But that's okay! 

But just as this past year has shown me, it will all be okay and God will sustain me when I cannot sustain myself. 


Now, I've had a lot going on lately. School is getting crazy, work is crazy, my car is junk, and I have yet to find a new job. Lately, this has gotten my very stressed and has made more negative than I normally am. Ask anyone that has been around me the past week and they'll tell you that I've been a hot mess. I think Jessica and my mom are going to stop answer the phone when I call so they won't have to listen to me crying anymore. BUT. This is not okay. If I truly believe everything I wrote above, then there is no reason to be a constant hot mess. So please, if you catch me being negative about circumstances of my life, remind me of the words that I wrote above. It's easy for me to type everything out and say that I trust God and I'm not worried about money, jobs, and school. But it's a completely different story to live that out on a daily basis.  Hold me accountable, yall! Remind me who is in control of my life and encourage me to pursue Christ with everything I have. 

Thanks for reading, friends!

Overwhelmed

Sometimes I get overwhelmed with the ways things are in my life right now. However, it's not a bad overwhelmed. It's a very very good overwhelmed. In the past week, I've cried 3 times from being overwhelmed with something. If you know me at all, you know that crying is pretty out of character for me. I'm not a crier. But lately, I am! 

I'm overwhelmed with my job. I LOVE my job. I actually love going in every day and seeing my residents. I love keeping up with them and helping them through everything life throws at them. Even if they can be absolutely crazy at times (ask me for stories, I have lots!), I absolutely love working with them. I'm sometimes overwhelmed with the fact that this is my job and that I love it so much. 

I'm also overwhelmed with my kids. I'm slightly obsessed with my kids at work. If you've talked to me at all in the last 5 months, you've probably heard about my kiddos. I just love them. Some of them come from rough backgrounds, but there's something special about each of them. They're smart, funny, and they have big dreams. It absolutely blows my mind sometimes that I get paid to hang out with them. I was sitting at work today playing cards with a group of them and it just kinda hit me. I'm actually getting paid to sit here and hang out with these teenagers. How awesome is that? 

I got to show a group of my older kids around Baylor last week. This was so so cool for me. They have huge dreams and I get to watch them work towards those goals and support them through each step. These kids have brought out my protective side, as well. I'll fight for them. I AM fighting for them. Try and mess with my kiddos, I dare you. No way, Jose. I like to think of myself as a genuinely nice person, but you mess with my kids and my "Momma Bear" side comes out. I sometimes think about when I finally become a mom. How am I gonna handle that?! I love my kids so much and I would do anything for them. And they aren't even my biological children! 

I'm also overwhelmed with support from my friends, family, and community. I honestly don't know how people have a job that they're passionate about when they don't have support from their friends and family. My friends and family support the work that I do. To the point where they have donated money and supplies for my kids. One of my family member's company donated a ton of backpacks and a ton of school supplies for our back to school fair. It totaled more than I ever expected. They wanted my kids to go to school with the same school supplies as everyone else. They were passionate about giving my kids what they need in order to do well in school because without education, these kids might be trapped. It's overwhelming to me that people give so much to my kids without even knowing them. This Friday, my mom and my aunt get to meet my kids. I don't know if I've ever been more excited!

More than anything, I'm easily overwhelmed by what Christ has given me in my life and everything He has done for me thus far. It's very easy for me to compare myself to others. It's something that Satan very easily uses against me. This is not a fun mindset to have. They say, "comparison is the thief of all joy," they aren't kiddin! Nor is it healthy. And when it comes down to it, it's a lack of trust in Christ. When I think about my life, though, I realize how much He has done for me. I'm getting an amazing education and learning an incredible amount, I have a job that I love, I work with kids that constantly challenge me and make me love more than I thought possible, and I have friends and family that support everything I do no matter what. 

And that is an overwhelming thought, my friends. In one of the best ways I could ever think of or imagine.

Hold Up, People.

I think I need to do a little explaining on my last blog post. 


1. I love Christians. Christian people have molded and shaped me into who I am today. They have encouraged me, supported me, and taught me many lessons. Good lessons and bad lessons. However, just like any other people, there are times when individual Christians miss the mark and don't act like they should. Doesn't mean they're inherently bad and it doesn't mean I'm no longer going to associate with them. It means that they're human. I just hate that we gave general society one more thing to hold against us.

2. The point of my post was NOT whether or not I agree with gay marriage. My opinion doesn't matter. Your opinion doesn't matter. What matters is the response. That was my point. Whether or not we agree with gay marriage should not change our attitude and respect towards gay people. 

3. Yes, I'm 22 and have these opinions. That doesn't mean I'm naive, dumb, or "indoctrinated by the liberal education system." It means I have opinions but I also realize that you have opinions as well.

Missed the Mark

I'm going to try my hardest to make this blog organized and really show my heart through my words. I'm prefacing with that sentence because right now, I have a lot of thoughts running through my head. Quite honestly, the thoughts aren't all that nice towards my fellow Christians. Up until now, I've kept my mouth shut about things that are going on politically (unless you're one of the privileged ones that have had the honor of listening to me rant about it) but I just can't anymore.

A week ago, the Supreme Court made homosexual marriage legal. And guess what.

Absolutely nothing changed.

If you're married, your marriage is still the same. Nothing more. Nothing less.

If you're not married, then you can still get married to someone of the opposite sex.

To me, marriage is a religious entity. It's a commitment between me, my husband, and God. The government is obsolete in a marriage. So why does it matter what the government decides? I serve Christ, not the government. 

Homosexuals make up 2% of the general population. So now 2% of our population is a little more happy. I don't see that as a problem.

But that's not the issue that has me struggling. My problem is that Christians missed the mark.

Last week, Christians were in the spotlight. People were waiting to see how we reacted. And you know what? As a whole, Christians failed.

The amount of hatred and judgment that I saw was sickening.

This was our chance. Our chance to show people that we can love them without agreeing with them. Our chance to embrace them and show them love and grace. And a ton of people, or at the very least, the loudest of people, were screaming judgmental and hateful things about the homosexual community.

Yall, there's a difference in supporting the person and supporting the sin. Why do we feel the need to call out the sin in a group of people? In order to call out the sin of someone, there must be a relationship present first. It's gone about in a very distinct way (shout out Matthew 18) and saying hateful things about a giant group of people is not the way to do it.

We're in a time in our country where Christians need to stand up.

Not to change policies.

Not to change it back to "the good ol days"

Not to call out the sin in everyone.

We need to stand up and love people like Christ loves us. If our words towards unbelievers (and even believers) are anything but loving, then they don't need to be said. If they have the potential to send someone running the other way away from Christ, then keep them to yourself.

Seek Christ

Love people.

Pray for our country.

Just stop with the hate and the judgement.  Those words aren't bringing anyone into the Church or showing anyone who Christ is.

Truthfully, there are much bigger issues we should be focusing on right now. Like the fact that churches are being burned down just because they are made up of mainly Black citizens. Or that mass shootings are still taking place. Or that a flag that is a symbol of racism and war is JUST NOW being taken out of use. Or the fact that there a ton of people in America that don't know where their next meal is coming from or where they'll sleep tonight. These are the issues that we need to pay attention to.

So on top of praying for our country and all the tension in the country right now, pray for Christians. I pray that all of my brothers and sisters in Christ will be hyper-sensitive to their actions and words, especially towards non-believers. I pray that we show Christ's love in every action we take, every word we speak, and every sentence we type.

You may not agree with anything I have to say but that's totally fine with me. That's the beauty of the human population. We can have different opinions and it's perfectly fine!

Not always easy, not always fun.

Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body.

Proverbs 16:29

 
Notice that this scripture doesn't add, "but only use these words if people are nice to you as well. Only if they're kind and treat you highly." 

Nope. It says that they are "sweetness to the soul."

When I'm at work, I try my best to keep this scripture in mind. A lot of the families I work with are full of bitterness, heartbreak, and despair. But I want to be gracious. To be that sweetness.

And you know what?
It's not always fun. And it's not always easy.

It's incredibly easy to speak gracious words to my kids when we're playing outside or eating lunch.

It's not so easy when they refuse to listen to anything I tell them.

It's incredibly easy to speak gracious words to parents when we're discussing the 4th of July party.

It's not so easy when they're yelling at me for something completely out of my control.

It's incredibly easy to speak gracious words to the parents that work multiple jobs just to put food on the table.

It's not so easy when a parent refuses to work and their child doesn't have food.

It's incredibly easy to speak gracious words to my kid who is super excited about seeing their dad over the weekend.

It's not so easy when that parent doesn't follow through and their child is heartbroken. again.

More than anything, it's incredibly easy to speak gracious words when they're spoken to me first.

However, in my line of work, that rarely happens. 
But can I expect any differently?
A lot of the families I work with have been through things that I can't even imagine. They've had rough lives. My kids have seen things by the age of 7 that I haven't even seen. So of course they're not gracious all the time. 

But that's even more of a reason for me to be gracious to them. To show them Jesus through my words and actions. Like I said, this isn't always easy nor is it always my first instinct. Lemme tell ya, there are times that I want to lay into my residents and say some not nice things. But that's when I have to push aside my fleshly nature and speak the words that God gives me. Cause those words sure as heck aren't the first ones that come to mind most of the time! 

When I started my job, I prayed that God would break my heart for what broke His and then to love those people like He loves them. At times, I've wished that I hadn't been praying that prayer for months.The truth is, 

                              I don't always want to love these people like He does.
                           I don't always want to invest my time and energy into them. 
                             And I don't always want to be kind and gracious to them. 
                           

 Loving His people can be painful.

But I'm glad that I've prayed that prayer because that's what I rely on on days like today when I leave work in tears. When I question if things will ever click for my residents. When I question why God has me in this job.

He has me here to love His people. Simple as that.

Whoah

How is it already the end of May?! That's pretty much what my life has been like lately.

"Whoah! How is already _______?!" Fill in the blank with a date, day of the week, time of day. It all sums it up perfectly.

These last few months have absolutely flown by which is why I haven't blogged since February. It's almost to the point where I don't even know what to blog about because SO much has happened!

So here it goes. Since the last time I blogged:

• I started a new job. At the time of my last post, I was stressing out about finding a job. I was anxious, worried, and insecure about not having a job. However, God provided (surprise surprise!) and I'm now the Community Coordinator at NewLife Alliance. This is a non profit that is based out of Austin but has sites all across the state. I work at an apartment complex that has low income families of all ages and I'm in charge of all of the social services. This includes the after school program, summer program, educational classes, monthly birthday parties, and just about anything that my residents need! I'm the only employee at the Waco site so I stay super busy but I really love it! There are days where I get in my car to drive home and just cry because the kids were so crazy and I'm so overwhelmed. But there are also days where my heart is so full because the kids bring me so much joy. Due to the demographics of the apartment complex, I have a lot of kids that have experienced things that I couldn't even imagine. They have parents in jail, open CPS cases, next to no money. But you know what? They're still kids that need love. I get to be the person that they see first thing after school. I get to be the one to give a hug when they get off the bus crying. I get to be the person that hangs out with them 3 hours every single day. Sometimes between the tantrums and tears, I forget how lucky I am to know my kiddos. 

• I finished my first semester at Truett!  This first semester was sooooo much fun for me. Even when I thought my head was going to literally explode from Christian Theology, I still thoroughly enjoyed my classes. I find it so cool that every single day, I would leave classes wanting to dig deeper and know more about what was discussed in class. I wanted to talk to people about what I was learning. I wanted to read more Scripture and look at more commentaries about what I was learning in class. I also met a lot of awesome people in my classes. One of my favorite things about seminary is that I'm meeting such a broad range of people. In my undergrad, I was around people my age that had very similar lives as I did. However, my classes at Truett are filled with people of different ages, backgrounds, spiritual journeys, and career goals. This adds sooooo much to classes. It brings about different perspectives and different views of scripture which makes it all so much more interesting. I'm so excited for the rest of my time at Truett!

• I went to Washington, DC for the first time! It feels weird to include this on here because it seems like so long ago. During Spring Break, me, my sister, and my brother in law all went to DC for my graduation present from my parents. One day in January (or somewhere around there), my sister texted me and said that they were having a sale on airline tickets to DC. We randomly decided to go because lets be real, when is airfare ever cheap?? Since most of the stuff in DC is free and we could stay with my sister's sister in law (thanks Emily!!), the trip ended up being pretty cheap! We saw just about everything there was to see in 3 days and by the end of the trip, I was pretty sure I wasn't going to be able to walk anymore. Seriously, my feet and legs have NEVER hurt as bad as they did on that trip. But it was so worth it!! I loved getting to see all the monuments, the museums, the White House, and just being in the city. I'm such a small town girl so experiencing a "big city" was completely new to me. I started off being completely incompetent about the metro to becoming a professional metro rider. I also loved getting to spend some quality time with Courtney and Justin. I'm so lucky to have a sister who is my best friend and a brother in law that puts up with us and actually likes hanging out with us! 

 Those were the three main things that took up my time this semester. For the majority of the semester, I was gone all day and would get home around 7, work on homework, then go to sleep. Despite being incredibly busy, stressed, and overwhelmed with things, I absolutely LOVED it. I got incredibly close two of my friends in Waco and I really don't know how I could have survived the semester without them. I learned things about myself including some of my strengths but also some of my weaknesses. I learned that it's okay not to have everything under control at all times. I learned that I can survive completely independent from my parents (due to the fact that I had really awesome parents to be dependent on for the first 22 years of my life). I learned that God can take our flaws and use them to connect us with other people for His glory. I learned that without Christ at the center of things, they fail regardless of how much you want to accomplish things on your own. Most importantly, I learned that God is faithful and present in every single aspect of my life. 

As for now, I'm in summer mode! This means lots of sunshine (if it ever stops raining and storming), summer camp, wedding planning (not mine, for the record!), reading books that aren't for class, and hopefully lots of sleeping!  

Lastly, please keep all of the flood victims in your prayers. I can't even begin to imagine what they're going through. Hearing the stories is absolutely heartbreaking.