The Hardest Commandment

This is the manuscript that I used for my sermon at Truett. There is a video, but since I can't even psych myself up enough to watch it, I definitely don't think I can share it!

On October 2, 2006 Charles Roberts IV arrived at the Amish one-room school house in West Nickel Mines School in Pennsylvania. He had been to this community multiple times delivering milk to the families. However, this time, he had a very different agenda in mind. At 10:30 am, he entered the school house and took 10 girls, ages 6 to 13, hostage. Within 20 minutes of holding them against their will, he had shot 8 out of the 10 of them. Five of the girls ended up dying shortly after Charles Roberts took his own life. Wouldn’t you agree that Charles Roberts IV is the definition of an enemy to this small Amish community? As Christians, how are we to respond to a situation like this? I know that my natural instinct is not what scripture tells us to do. Let’s look at Matthew 5, verses 43 through 48. Before we turn there, let me give you a warning. What The Lord commands us to do with our enemies is most likely not what we want to do; especially when the enemies are pretty intense like the one in this story.

Key text: ⁴³ “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor^[a] and hate your enemy.’ ⁴⁴ But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, ⁴⁵ that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. ⁴⁶ If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? ⁴⁷ And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? ⁴⁸ Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.

Background to text: Before looking at what this text is telling us, it’s important to look at what is happening in the bigger picture. If we didn’t look at the context of the passage, it would be like watching just the 4^th quarter of a football game. That would be no fun, right? For all you Baylor fans out there, imagine if you had only watched the 4^th quarter of the Cotton Bowl in 2013. You would not have gotten the whole picture and you would think Baylor football was the worst. Which, ya know, right now might be true. But in 2013 it wasn’t. This passage on loving your enemies comes at the very end of the Sermon on the Mount. Jesus has gathered his disciples on a mountainside in Galilee. He talks about issues like divorce, adultery, oaths, and retaliation. With every topic, He takes something that society is telling His disciples and turns it on its head. There’s a pattern of “it is said...but…” throughout this chapter. At the beginning of this passage, he says, “It is said, love your neighbor and hate your enemy” and then tells his disciples the opposite. This specific passage is drawn from Leviticus 19:18 which states basically the same thing. It says, “Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against anyone among your people, but love your neighbor as yourself. I am the Lord.” So even though society is telling the disciples one thing, The Lord is telling them to do otherwise. One scholar even argues that in this context, neighbor means a fellow Jew and an enemy would be a Gentile. This makes sense because those two people groups typically were not the best of friends. So what are we supposed to do with this? Who is our enemy? And why does Jesus insist that we love them? Wouldn’t it be easier to just ignore them and move on with life?

Point 1: What do yall think of when someone says enemy? I like to think that I’m a pretty easy going and likeable person but I can still think of a few enemies. However, I think of enemies on different levels. We’ve all been stuck behind the person in the express line at HEB that actually has about 30 items. Is that my enemy? Or the friend that said horrible things about me in high school. Are they my enemy? What about the men that flew the planes into the towers on September 11^th. They’re my enemy, right? One scholar breaks down the word “enemy” and says that there are two kinds. The first is “echthros” and this is a personal enemy; someone that has wronged you and hurt you as an individual. For instance, one of my good friends has a boss that is not very nice to her. She belittles my friend every chance she gets and just is not very kind to her. Technically, she would also be my enemy because no one messes with my friends! My friend’s boss would be an example of echthros; a personal enemy. Then, there is Polemios which is an enemy of the state but one that still affects you personally. ISIS would be the perfect example for this type of enemy. ISIS is an enemy to Americans and the group is my enemy even though they have never done anything to personal harm me. So we all have enemies whether they are echthros or polemios. Yall can think of some, right? I know I can. Now what are we supposed to do with this? Now that we’ve all identified those people, what are we supposed to do with them? Wouldn’t it be great to just recognize our enemies and that was all? It would be easier for sure.

Friends, I’m gonna be really honest with you for a second and you can’t hold it against me. I did not want to preach this sermon. When I decided to preach on this passage, I was okay with it. I welcomed it, even! I like to think that I’m a pretty loving person so I can speak on loving other people, right? But then life happened. I work with abuse victims and we’ve had really awful cases lately. I hear stories about my clients being severely abused by men that honestly, I have no respect for. And this passage is telling me to love and pray for those that abused my clients? As Americans, we experienced the most tense and aggravating election season. I’m supposed to love and pray for politicians that I don’t respect? I’m supposed to love those that said awful things to me because we have different beliefs. Or! People are supposed to love me after I said things that I shouldn’t have? I felt like a toddler stomping my feet and bawling up my fists while screaming “I DON’T WANNA!!!” It’s a heck of a lot easier to just erase that person from my life or make an ugly face whenever I think about them. What this passage is telling us to do isn’t easy, isn’t fun, and isn’t natural.  But that’s exactly why it’s necessary. It’s necessary because we don’t want to do it and without Christ living within us, we simply won’t do it. See, the thing is, we don’t love and pray for these enemies because we want them to change their behavior towards us. I think when people hear “love your enemies” it’s because they expect the enemy’s actions to change. But that’s not the case. We love them and pray for them because we are the ones that need to change. We need Christ to soften our hearts towards the ones that have wronged us. Remember my friend’s boss that I said was always rude to her? My friend called me on Thanksgiving Day and we were talking about how things were going. She said that her boss had had hand surgery and had no family nearby so my friend was going to take a plate of food to her so she could still enjoy Thanksgiving. This woman, who is hateful to my friend all the time, was getting food delivered to her from my friend, who is the recipient of hateful words and actions. Apparently my friend is a better person than I am because I was floored. I asked her, “she has never been nice to you. Literally ever. Why are you so nice to her?” Yall, I was so impressed with her response. She said, “Erin, what good is it if I’m mean to her? What will that accomplish? At least if I’m nice to her, then maybe she’ll get a glimpse of Christ. If not, then oh well.” She’s living out exactly what this scripture is telling us to do.

Point 2: This passage is also not just an individual calling, but a communal one. All believers are part of the Kingdom of God. We are walking representations of Christ at all times. And lets be real, we usually fall way short. What are we saying if we treat our enemies horribly mean? We have to love our enemies in order to overcome the evil in the world. Imagine what the world would be like if every single Christ follower followed these verses.  Myself included, obviously. It would change the world! We cannot let the evilness of the world overcome us. Maybe I’m just dramatic, but I feel like that is so easy to do in today’s world. The world gives you more than enough reasons to be overwhelmed. This past weekend, I was reading an article about Fidel Castro dying and pubic figure’s responses to his death. Most people, like politicians Donald Trump and Marco Rubio, rejoiced at his death. There was only one person that I could find that had a compassionate response to his death and do you know who it was? Pope Francis! Pope Francis tweeted (because the Pope is super cool and tweets) and said that he was praying for Fidel Castro and his family. He was doing word for word what this scripture is telling us. He was praying for them when no one wanted to pray for them. We all know that Castro wasn’t the best person by any means and could very easily be described as an enemy. Yet we are called to pray anyways. Jesus is telling us that we need to love our enemy so that evil, which is everywhere around us, doesn’t overcome us. More than that, He is telling us that we have to overcome that evil by doing good to our enemies. This “love” that He is telling his disciples about doesn’t just mean praying for his enemies; it means loving in a concrete way. Turn to Romans 12:20 with me real quick. It states, “Instead, if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.” This is loving them in a concrete way that overcomes the evilness.

I was reading a story about John and Deborah Upton who were missionaries to Taiwan. After completing their language training, they settled in the small city of Taitung to establish a congregation there.

Predictably, their intention to begin a church in the city threatened the local Buddhist priest who resolved to drive them away. Every morning promptly at seven o'clock the priest stationed himself at the front gate of the Upton's house where—for ten hours a day, seven days a week—he shouted curses and incantations against the house itself; he set off strings of firecrackers; he warned the neighbors not to show kindness toward the Uptons lest they anger the gods and bring tragedy to their own homes.

The noise was unnerving; the paper residue from the firecrackers grew so deep that John had to shovel it aside before he could move his car out of the driveway. The possibility of growing a church in such soil seemed bleak.

What were the missionaries to do in the face of such a threat? John and Deborah felt that they had to respond in some way, and this is what they did: Every morning before the priest arrived, they took a stool and a table out to the gate. On the table they placed a pot of tea and a bowl of rice; they set up an umbrella to shade the priest from the sun. They continued this routine for almost four months, until one day the priest did not show up. From that day on, never again were they harassed, and their home became a gathering place for the community.

The Uptons later learned that their neighbors had finally intervened on their behalf, telling the priest, "Here you are cursing their home and the foreigners are giving you something to eat. That's embarrassing. Go away and leave them alone." They loved their enemy in a very concrete way. He was a threat to their livelihood every single day yet they loved him in a very concrete way.

Point 3: Let’s look at the end of the passage now. Verse 48 states “Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly father is perfect.” Yall, the first time I read this, I mentally checked out. I thought “how the heck am I supposed to be perfect like God? It’s God!! I don’t think I can do that. Maybe I’ll just leave on that last verse.” However, in this case, perfection simply means “resemblance to God.” “To have all parts, to have reached full maturity or the desired end.” This last verse isn’t telling us to be sinless like God is sinless. It’s telling us to have the same character that He has. We are to emulate Him. Especially when interacting with other people like our enemies. God was telling this to the disciples so they had something to strive for, not necessarily something that will ever fully achieve in life. I worked at a tennis camp for a few summers. When I was working with the kids, I would tell them that they should try and copy Roger Federer. Did I honestly think that a bunch of 6 year old kids would hit like Roger Federer? Of course not! But it gave them something to picture in their head. They could picture his strides and serve while they played in order for them to hit just like that. In the same way, Jesus was telling his disciples to think of God and try and emulate him. When they were interacting with people in the various towns, they should remember how God loves his people and cares for them. Then they should copy that. The word “perfect” was only used one other time in Matthew and that was when Jesus tells the man to sell everything he has, be perfect, and to follow Christ. I think the fact that this verse is at the end of the book is worth noting. It serves as a challenge. A challenge to love as God loves. A love where partiality does not exist. A love that doesn’t depend on skin color, doesn’t depend on gender, doesn’t depend on poverty level, doesn’t depend on religion. A love that doesn’t depend on someone’s actions towards us. A love that simple exists because God calls us to love his people like he loves his people. Friends, that isn’t easy by any means. We’re humans. We want to cast someone aside when they wrong us. But when we stop loving our enemies, we forget that they are humans just like we are.

Conclusion: I know yall are just waiting on pins and needles to learn how the Amish community responded to the gunman killing five of their children. I know if that had been me, there would have been a lot of anger, bitterness, and hatred within my heart and it would’ve taken a very long time to move past that. The Amish community had the exact opposite reaction. On the same day of the shooting, a member of the community said, “I don't think there's anybody here that wants to do anything but forgive and not only reach out to those who have suffered a loss in that way but to reach out to the family of the man who committed these acts.” Yall, that was on the SAME day as the shooting. Only a few hours after the shooting, the Amish community visited the gunman’s family and grieved with them. One man even held the gunman’s father for an hour while he sobbed. They also set up a charitable fund for the family of the shooter. They attended his funeral. Does this just blow your mind like it does mine?! They are giving us the perfect example of what this passage I telling us. They are praying for their enemy. An enemy that most would say is unforgiveable. They are loving in a very concrete way and they are doing it as a community. Surrounding the shooters family with love and support. And most importantly, they are emulating Jesus in their words, actions, and thoughts. It is said “to return evil for good is devilish; to return good for good is human; to return good for evil is divine.” As we leave here today, I want to challenge you. Each and every one of us has an enemy. Whether it’s a large scale enemy or a personal enemy, it is still a person associated with bitterness and anger in your heart. Pray for them. And pray for your own heart. That Christ would soften your heart towards them while also drawing their heart towards Him.  Who is it that you can pray start praying for today? And what is a tangible way that you can show Christ’s love to them? Let us pray.

Prayer: Dear Heavenly Father, we thank you for this time together this morning. I think you for the people in this room and everything that they have added to my life. Lord, I pray that you would soften my heart towards those that I declare as my enemies. I pray that you would put people in my path to remind me that above all else, I am to represent you in my thoughts, actions, and words. I pray that you give me ways to love these people just like you love all of your children. Amen.

Weariness

There are some days where this world and the people in it make me sad. It seems like lately, those days are closer together and a lot more frequent. 

Before I continue, let me say that with this post, I want you to hear my heart. I want you to try and read my words and know where I'm coming from. I am not wanting to debate. I am not wanting to argue. I am simply writing so you know my heart and you understand its current brokenness. 

I am sad because people are afraid. I have children in my office legitimately afraid that they won't see family members again due to the current President-elect. I have friends who are social workers and teachers that have told me stories about multiple children, usually under the age of 10, that are scared because they know they are different. They are living in fear and that makes me sad. 

I am sad because the country gave the message that sexual assault is not something to fight against. Trump's words are not just words. He has actions to back up those words. Even if he didn't, his words are supporting a culture where women are not safe nor valued. And the general public (including 80% of "evangelical Christians") actively said that that issue wasn't worth fight for. To victims of abuse, it told them that their hurt and pain were not to be taken seriously. This makes me sad because every single day I see women who have experienced that abuse. They have been abused in ways I can't imagine and it breaks my heart that the people of America did not stand up for them. 

I am sad because I am seeing ugliness in people on both sides. I see hateful words come out of people that I know are not hateful people. I see relationships being ruined and feelings being hurt because we are not listening to each other. We are not grieving with each other. We are not coming along side one another. We are trying to knock each other down. 

I am sad because I see a lot of Christ-followers not stepping up. I am not going to say that Christians aren't stepping up because I know that a lot of Christians are. But I also see a lot of Christians gloating in the fact that others are mourning and grieving. I see Christians not taking care of other people. I see Christians belittling other people simply because they have different views, backgrounds, etc. That is not what Christ calls us to. 

I am sad because there are populations of people that now feel like nobody is on their side. Today, my own denomination that I know and love voted against church autonomy in order to ostracize the LGBT denomination. I want that community to know that the church can be a safe place for them. They have people on their side. Don't give up on the church or on Christ due to the actions of some. 

I am sad because it seems like love is losing. It seems like hate is beating love and that makes my soul weary. And I don't see it getting better any time soon. 

Friends, I am not writing to convince you of my political beliefs. I am writing because if you're reading this, I assume you care about me. And right now, I am having to really fight to not let my heart become hardened towards certain groups of people. It's so easy for me to become angry and bitter but I am fighting with everything I have to not let hate win my heart. 

I am sad. 

I am weary. 

I am tired. 

Bad Advice

Don't worry yall, this is not going to be another blog post about how it's okay to be single. I cannot tell you enough how tired of reading those I am. *aka please stop sending me articles about being single.* This might sound a little rambly so stick with me.

When I was a young teenager, I had someone within the church tell me and a few other girls my age that it was totally okay to be single. Nothing wrong with that, right? Then they said that when we were right with God and our relationship with God was solid, then would He send us a spouse. 

Sheesh. 

If you work with teenage girls, or really any humans at all, PLEASE don't ever tell them that when they do a certain something, God will then do something in return. We don't control God. That's not how it works. We don't know what He's planning for our lives. It's just bad theology and can be very damaging. 

It took me until I was about a sophomore in college to know that that advice was a load of poop. I spent about 6 years feeling insecure in my relationship with Christ. I had thoughts running through my head like "Why haven't I met someone yet? Something with my relationship with Christ must be wrong." or "I need to pay more attention to my faith or else I'll never get married."

Yall, both of these are so ridiculous. As I type them out, it seems so silly and embarrassing that I was having those thoughts. However, that's what I had been told and it stuck with me. Even do this day, my brain will think those thoughts and I have to catch myself. Now, these ladies meant well. They had no idea that this would be the implication of their words. And they taught me multiple other things that have greatly influenced my faith in a positive way. But that one piece of advice messed with me for 6 whole years. 

My relationship status has absolutely nothing to do with my relationship with Christ. I am complete because I am complete in Christ. I love Jesus and I love Him not expecting anything to return.

I don't really know the point of this blog. Maybe it's to remind you if you are single, that God has not forgotten about you. Maybe it's to remind you that are you loved and wanted. Maybe it's to remind you that as a single person, you have a very unique ministry opportunity that you may not have forever. Take advantage of it! And when people that truly do care about you send you articles on being single and continually ask if you're married yet, try telling them everything God is doing in your life. Give them examples of how God is using you. Believe it or not, you don't have to be married to start serving Christ ;)

Take heart, friends. You are loved, cherished, and not alone.

Reconciliation

In Genesis 32 and 33, we see Jacob reconciling with Esau. As most of you know, Jacob had tricked his father and stole Esau's birthright. After not speaking for 14 years, Jacob was trying to reconcile with his twin brother. Esau and his 400 men could have easily killed Jacob for what he had done to him. Instead, Esau forgave him, they reconciled, and everything in the past was forgotten. A familiar story to most, right? However, there's one thing in this story that I think we tend to skip over. Before the reconciliation happens, Jacob wrestled with God. They wrestled all night long before Jacob was changed. 

Right now, it feels like I'm "wrestling with God." And friends, it isn't fun. 

Reconciliation isn't easy. It isn't our human nature to reconcile with those that have wronged us. There's a good chance that if I were Esau, it would've taken a lot longer than 14 years for me to forgive my brother when he stole all of my inheritance from me. Isn't it a wonderful thing that God still loves us even when we're brats?

I don't know if yall know this, but I'm very stubborn. Very very stubborn. I'm also a pro at what my pastor in Rockport would call "emotional cutoff." The combination of the two makes it very hard for me forgive those that wrong me. The majority of the time, it's easier for me to just remove myself from the situation/relationship than work through things. Especially if I tried to work through things and it just got worse. 

Jesus does not call us to this. He calls us to work things out. And in my head, I know this. I know that we are to forgive as He forgave us. I know that even if someone wrongs us a million times, we are to still forgive them (Luke 17:3-4). I know that it can damage relationships long term if we do not forgive one another. In my mind, I know all of this. But that doesn't mean that my heart wants to forgive. The past 2 years, I've been able to just be cutoff from a certain relationship and it's been pretty easy. I was deeply hurt and continually shut down so I threw in the towel. But all of the sudden, I am being reminded that bitterness and resentment are not healthy. This is why I say I'm wrestling with God. It sure as heck isn't going to be me that decides to change my own heart towards this person. Cause if it were up to me, I wouldn't.  He's changing my heart. We're wrestling. But we're not quite done yet and I'm not sure we will be anytime soon.

The whole point of this blog is to encourage those of you that are also in this season of life cause I know I'm not the only one feeling this way. Know that you aren't alone and know that it isn't easy. But I can also say that the Lord is faithful. I know this because He has put people in my life that have reminded me that reconciliation is the only option.  People that speak truth into me when I don't want to hear it. 

As my dear friend told me, "Make it right. Be bold, but not stubborn. Be bold for God.  Don't let anyone shut you down.  Don't stop loving."  

Or as another one told me, "Get it together and stop being so dang stubborn." 

 

Disconnecting

I recently made the decision to deactivate my Facebook for a little bit. Sadly enough, this wasn't an easy decision. I like to know what's going on with people. I enjoy seeing pictures, reading articles, and keeping up with my friends and family around the world. But sometimes, social media can be VERY overwhelming. I deactivated my account for 3 reasons. 

1. Things were getting ugly. 

This political season seems to be bringing out the absolute worst in everyone. Everyday, I would get on Facebook and see comments from people I know and love that were incredibly hateful and mean. Let me be clear, people can have differing opinions. And contrary to what I'm seeing on Facebook, you can debate these opinions without being hateful to people. It was getting hard for me to reconcile the fact I know some of the people have a relationship with Jesus Christ yet they were acting so hateful and downright mean. Then I started getting angry. I was angry that people were being so mean and I started to look at those people differently. Instead of seeing their profile picture and being reminded of how awesome they were, I was looking at their profile picture and remembering what awful thing they said on someone's post. I felt my heart becoming hardened towards certain people and that was not okay with me. I caught myself being more argumentative towards certain people and that was not okay with me either. 

So now I'm just completely avoiding it all together. Is this the most healthy response? Probably not. But it's what I need to do in order for me to salvage relationships and stay sane (and kind) for the time being. 

2. Privacy

I'm not talking about being scared that someone will read my post and come and murder me. Although, that would be no bueno. When I say privacy, I mean the intimate details of my life. The older I get, the less and less I want every single person on my Facebook to know exactly what's happening in my life. Not every single person has earned the right to know every detail of my life. *I also totally see the irony in me saying this on my blog where I do share the happenings of my life.* It's not that I'm hiding anything in my life. But if someone truly cared what was happening with me, they would ask. It just seems that on Facebook recently, people are asking the wrong questions. Instead of asking why I've become so "liberal" or if I've "found the one yet" (the answer is still no, thank you very much) why not ask me how my job at the shelter is going? Or what I'm learning in classes? Or what God is specifically doing in my life right at this moment. I would LOVE to tell you about any of those things because those things are worth talking about. God has actually done some really cool things in my life lately and I would love to share them. Let be real, we all love the cat videos and fun pictures, but are they really that important? What happened to taking the time to intentionally ask someone how their life is going? Friends, if you truly care about someone, ask them how their life is going! Don't just scroll past their status and pictures. Take the time to call/text/email them and see how things are going. 

3. Time

Don't worry, I'm not going to be one of those people that humbly (but not really humbly at all), says "Oh my gosh, I just wish I had the extra time to waste on Facebook!" The only reason people say that is to make other people feel bad. When I use time as a reason to deactivate my account, I mean the time I was wasting. I would sit there for 30 minutes sometimes and scroll endlessly through posts. That's just silly! I'm not saying that I was going to go do something amazing during that time. But I could be reading a book, interacting with other people, or just doing literally anything productive. 


At the end of the day, I want to keep my mind fresh, my heart kind, gentle, and focused on Christ, and my actions and words reflecting my belief in Him. By staying on Facebook, I'm not sure that would've happened, unfortunately. For some reason, people think that Facebook is the only form of communication and if I leave Facebook, they'll never hear from me again. Not the case. If you have my phone number, feel free to text or call me. If not, my email is erin.albin1@gmail.com and I would love to talk about my life, your life, and just about anything else!

Ditching the List

Remember this summer reading list that I blogged about back in May? Yea, that didn't happen. After reading about 1 chapter of a few of the books and finding out some of them just were not good, I ditched the stack and did my own thing. I also started watching Game of Thrones so that took up the majority of my free time anyways. I'm proud to say that this summer while working 2 jobs, I've also read 5 books and watched 5 and a half seasons of Game of Thrones! And I still have 20 days left before school starts! I think that's a success. 

I read book 4 a little over a month ago and it's a good thing that I wrote my blog post about it and just saved it as a draft. Had I not done that, I wouldn't have remembered much of the details and emotions of the book. Or I might have included some Game of Thrones characters into review of the book. Who knows.

Book 4: Left to Tell: Discovering God Amidst the Rwandan Holocaust by Immaculee Ilibagiza

Description per Amazon: In 1994, Rwandan native Ilibagiza was 22 years old, when the death of Rwanda's Hutu president sparked a three-month slaughter of nearly one million ethnic Tutsis in the country. She survived by hiding in a Hutu pastor's tiny bathroom with seven other starving women for 91 cramped, terrifying days. This firsthand account cuts two ways: her description of the evil that was perpetrated, including the brutal murders of her family members, is soul-numbingly devastating, yet the story of her unquenchable faith and connection to God throughout the ordeal uplifts and inspires. Her Catholic faith shines through, but the book will speak on a deep level to any person of faith. Ilibagiza's remarkable path to forgiving the perpetrators and releasing her anger is a beacon to others who have suffered injustice.

My review: SO GOOD! This book is actually stressful. I sat in my living room and read about 3/4 of it in one sitting because I literally couldn't put it down. I mean, she's writing it so she obviously lives. But there are so many times where she easily could've died yet her life was spared. It's hard to imagine that something like this actually happened but it's even harder to imagine forgiving someone that killed all of my family and friends. Despite the fact that this book is about a horrible and disgusting genocide, it's actually very encouraging. She does a really good job and talking about her relationship with Christ and telling what He did. She would be in a horrible situation, pray for God to give her an answer or a way out, and almost immediately, her prayer would be answered.  However, she talked about it with such faith as if she were telling on in a footnote, "Of course God came through for me. Why wouldn't He?" I highly suggest this book if you want to learn a little bit about history and the evilness of man but also learn a lot about how faith can impact your life and how God can move through You even when it seems impossible. 

Book 5: Searching For Sunday: Loving, Leaving and Finding the Church by Rachel Held Evans. 

Description per Amazon: Like millions of her millennial peers, Rachel Held Evans didn't want to go to church anymore. The hypocrisy, the politics, the gargantuan building budgets, the scandals--church culture seemed so far removed from Jesus. Yet, despite her cynicism and misgivings, something kept drawing her back to Church. And so she set out on a journey to understand Church and to find her place in it.

My Review: Meh. First off, this book is nothing like I thought it was going to be which isn't necessarily a bad thing. In my mind, I thought RHE was going to share her journey with the church and how the people failed her yet the church never did. And that's sort of what it was, but not really. She took major components of the Church such as communion, prayer, baptism, marriage, etc. and looked at them very closely. There were parts of the book that were very encouraging and tweetable. *tweetable can be a word, right?* However, it was hard to find those passages within all of the cynicism coming from RHE towards the Church and the people of the Church. I kept waiting for the moment where she spent a few chapters on how people within the church are flawed because that's how people are and why we need a Savior yet I never really found that. A lot of her writing came off as "holier than thou" and arrogant when the book could have been very powerful. She even had a small section addressing her cynicism and the damage that it could do yet continue to stay in a cynical mindset. In her defense,she spent the last page and a half encouraging her readers to keep pursuing Christ even when they feel numb to Him. She encourages us to do that together to support each other throughout our faith journey but then also says that "church isn't some community that you join. Church is what happens when someone taps you on the shoulder and whispers in your ear, pay attention, this is holy ground; God is here." I agree that church isn't just a building you enter into on Sundays. However, I think this book was trying to convince people that you don't truly need a church family and community and I find that sad. While I am not as naive and happy go lucky about the Church as I used to be (that's another story for a probably not so public podium), I still value the purpose of the Church and the community that comes along with it and I'm not sure Rachel Held Evans does. I'm hoping there will be a followup book that talks about how she used to be incredibly cynical and argumentative about the church, but God changed her heart and she now sees the value of it. Who knows. In general, I wouldn't recommend it. However, I think it could be a valuable book because it shows us that it is okay to question the church and be frustrated with the church. But it stops before saying why we can't just toss it aside. We should wrestle with the hard questions, ask people why things are the way they are, and continue to have a heart filled with grace and mercy, not one with bitterness and sarcasm towards God's people. 

Don't worry, I'm completely aware that that review just turned into a mini sermon. I'm done now, I promise.

I'm going to try to read one book before classes start back up but we'll see how that goes. Game of Thrones might win out. The next book is also by Rachel Held Evans and it's A Year of Biblical Womanhood. She spends a whole year taking the Bible's instructions for women as literally as possible and living them out. Should be a fun read! 

Growth

It seems like every semester I'm at Truett, I'm learning more and more about myself. After the first semester, I remember thinking that I learned SO much about myself and that I had myself figured out. I was good to go, right?

WRONG-O.

So instead of a semester recap about my classes and what I learned in them (although they were all amazing and taught by some of the greatest and kindest people you will every meet), I decided to make my semester recap focused on what I learned about myself. 

At the beginning of the semester, we had to make a "personal covenant" in my covenant group at Truett. It was essentially a way for us to think through how we wanted the semester to go and what we could improve on or continue doing. There were a few different sections, but one was about our relationship with ourselves. At the top of my list, I wrote, "Put myself before others."

Not what you would expect, huh? I probably could've thought of a different way to word it but I kind of liked how it caught me, and others, off guard. I was learning that sometimes it's okay, and healthy, to put myself before others. 

Up until now, I've had this "martyr" mindset that totally wasn't healthy. I could've sworn I wrote a blog post on it but I couldn't find it so maybe not. I had always been under the assumption that if someone was going to get hurt and thrown under the bus, it might as well be me because I knew I could handle it. I was constantly "taking one for the team." If someone was going to suffer, I was fine with it being me. As I'm writing it out now, it seems so silly to me. 

These last few months, I've realized that that is not healthy at all. It's not healthy, fair, or good practice for life in the long run. There are times when I need to put myself and my feelings first and that's okay! It's all about balance and it's all about healthy boundaries.

My job, and mainly my wonderfully awesome supervisor had a huge part in this realization and change. If I continued living my life as this martyr-like figure, I would eventually burn out. And that probably would've happened a lot sooner rather than later. 

The other big thing I've learned this semester is about friendship and what the word "friendship" actually means. To me, friendship means supporting someone, praying for them, encouraging them, engaging in meaningful conversations, and just living life with someone in general. True and meaningful friendship isn't just gossiping about pointless things and complaining about life. I've learned a lot about what a true friend is and I've also learned that it's totally okay to not continue a friendship with someone if it's draining for me. I want every friendship that I have to reflect Christ and I want to bring out the absolute best in someone and I want them to bring out the best in me. I have a handful of friends like that in my life and I'm so incredibly thankful for them and the joy that they bring to me. Obviously, I'm not saying that I'm just going to cut off a relationship with someone. But I'm learning about how to let some people in more than others.

Like I said before, it seems like I'm just learning so much about myself in this time of my life and it's been quite a journey. I'm realizing that when I know myself more and am mindful about my thoughts, actions, and relationships, then I interact with other people in a more healthy and Christ-like way. My ultimate goal in life is to point every person I interact with in life to Christ through my words, actions, and encounters. The more I learn about myself the more natural that becomes.

Book Update!

Yall, I think I have a problem with my summer reading list. I'm kind of addicted to it. I finished the Brene Brown book in 3 days. THREE DAYS! I read the first 200 pages Dr. Perry's book in one day. When I'm out doing other things like working and whatnot, I think to myself "man, I could be reading so much good stuff right now." That's not unhealthy, right? Okay good.

Book #2: The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown

Description via Amazon: In her ten guideposts, Brown engages our minds, hearts, and spirits as she explores how we can cultivate the courage, compassion, and connection to wake up in the morning and think, "No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough," and to go to bed at night thinking, "Yes, I am sometimes afraid, but I am also brave. And, yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable, but that doesn't change the truth that I am worthy of love and belonging."

My Review: AMAZING. This book killed me. Brene Brown has her PhD and is also a LCSW (Licensed Clinical Social Worker) and all of her books are based off of her research on shame, fear, and vulnerability. All pretty scary words, huh? Lemme tell ya, I do not like dealing with hard emotions. As much as I hate to admit it, I will avoid them at all costs. However, in this book, she fleshes everything out and shows that that is not okay. AT ALL. I feel like every chapter that she wrote was specifically calling me out in the most compassionate way possible. Chapter 1 was "Cultivating Authenticity: Letting Go of What People Think." Ouch. Way to start the book off nice and easy Brene...

Second chapter was "Cultivating Self-Compassion: Letting go of Perfectionism." Wait a minute. I try my hardest to be compassionate to every person I encounter. It is a necessity at my job. But you're telling me that I have to be compassionate to myself?? That's a completely different story. This is how the whole book went, yall! It spoke to my heart and soul! I HIGHLY recommend this book and any of her books. I know that once I finish my stack of books, I plan on buying her other ones and diving in.  There were so many quotes in the book that I marked. I wanted to share some with yall but it's so hard to pick just one! Here are some I especially loved:

• "Self-doubt undermines the process of finding our gifts and sharing them with the world. Moreover, if developing and sharing our gifts is how we honor and connect with God, self-doubt is letting our fear undermine our faith."
• "The dark does not destroy the light; it defines it. It's our fear of the dark that casts our joy into the shadows."
• "Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we're supposed to be and embracing who we are."

Pretty great, huh?

Book #3: The Boy who was Raised by a Dog.

Description via Amazon:  "Child psychiatrist Bruce Perry has treated children faced with unimaginable horror: genocide survivors, witnesses, children raised in closets and cages, and victims of family violence. Here he tells their stories of trauma and transformation."

My Review: This would be a book that the average person probably would not enjoy. However, if you work with or are in interested in children that have experienced trauma, then you will find this book fascinating. Each chapter is a different case that Dr. Perry has encountered over his years of practice. You read about different cases of children that have been abused, neglected, and traumatized in different ways and then learn about how that affected their brain. Towards the end, he then talked about how as a community, we need to understand the emotional needs of children and the importance of emotional and mental health. I found it super interesting and it allowed me learn a great deal about the population that I plan on working with. However, if this is not your area of interest, it's probably not the book for you because some of the stories are pretty gruesome and hard to read. 

Next up: If I am Missing or Dead by Janine Latus 

Summer Reading

IT'S FINALLY SUMMER!!!

Words cannot express how happy I am that it is finally summer break. I was signed up for a Maymester class but decided that a mental break was necessary. The whole second half of the Old Testament in 11 days just did not sound enticing right after finals. So no school until August for this girl! I'll be working two jobs and enjoying life. AND READING! 

When you're in seminary, or just grad school in general, it's almost impossible to find time to read a book that isn't for school. Therefore, I've devoted this summer to reading and I'm super super excited about it! I ordered a few books on Amazon the other day and I was seriously giddy about getting them. Even the free 2 day prime shipping wasn't fast enough for me. I've also decided to keep all you fine readers (all 10 of you) updated about the books I read. I'm hoping to make it through my whole list and I'm hoping that all of them are wonderful and fascinating. Also, if you want to borrow a book, just let me know and I'd be happy to lend it to you! But know that my books are my babies and I will hunt you down until I get it back. Someone borrowed a book from me about 4 years ago and I never got it back and I'm still sad about it. 

So here's my list: 

First off, don't judge my choices. I realize that I read weird books that most wouldn't choose. For instance, 3 of the 11 books are about cults and 2 of the 11 are on child abuse/trauma and how it effects the brain. But I'm so excited!!! I know you're just as excited about reading about them too, right?! 

I plan to read them in the order that they're in the pile and hopefully I make it all the way through before classes start back up in August. Actually, I literally just finished the top one so I'm making good progress!! 

Book 1: 7, An experimental mutiny against excess by Jen Hatmaker 

Description via Amazon: "7 is the true story of how Jen (along with her husband and her children to varying degrees) took seven months, identified seven areas of excess, and made seven simple choices to fight back against the modern-day diseases of greed, materialism, and overindulgence."

Personal Review: I thought this book was thought-provoking yet a bit extreme. I like the idea that she's going for and I agree that we tend to live in a constant state of excess. Her 7 categories were clothes, spending, waste, food, possessions, media, and stress. I appreciated the fact that she was incredibly transparent throughout the book and admitted to the fact that sometimes, the experiment just wasn't fun. However, she also let us into her spiritual life and told us what God was revealing to her throughout the 7 month experiment. It was a nice reminder to me that a lot of time while I'm living in a state of "excess" and not even noticing it, there are others that are living with the complete opposite; nothing. It also reminded me that my earthy possessions whether they be food, clothing, books, media, etc., can very easily replace God in my life. So I'm starting off my summer by remember that my stack of books may be thought provoking, super exciting, and interesting, but they do not in any way, shape, or form, replace my time reading God's word. It's all about balance, people! 

Up next: The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown. 

To give you a glimpse at the amazingness of Brene Brown, take a look at this Tedtalk about vulnerability that she did a few years back. SO good! 

Happy Summer, all!! At some point, I'll also post about how this semester went. God was at work, for sure, and I'm glad I got to be a part of it. 

Work in Progress

The past few months, it has been super evident that God is working on my heart. He's been pulling out every insecurity that I have and forcing me to work them out. Every unhealthy habit that I have is being completely squashed. It's not fun, it's not easy, and it's sure as heck not a fast process. But it's a necessary one. 

In Mark 8:22-26, we see Jesus healing a blind man. Jesus spit on his hands and rubbed the man's eyes. Suddenly, the man could see. However, he didn't see clearly. Then, as verse 25 tells us, "his eyes were opened, his sight was restored, and he saw everything clearly."

When I first read this passage and we discussed it in one my classes, I thought "wait. Did Jesus just fail at healing this guy?!" It made no sense to me. I even remember having the discussion in class that maybe there was just spit in the guys eye and it was blurring his vision. 

However, I realized a little later that I AM THAT THE BLIND MAN. 

How many times has God revealed something to me and I see it, but I don't really see it. How many times has He said, "Erin. Stop being a brat and apologize to that person" and I convince myself that it isn't really necessary?

Or how many times has God told me that I need to give up my pride and I ignore it and think "No no. I can do this on my own?" 

This passages is showing us that we are constantly being worked on by God. Our relationship with Him isn't one that comes down to a quick fix. Right now, I'm at the "rubbing the eyes a second time" stage.

It's highly uncomfortable. But by the end of this, I'll be able to see things clearly. 

That is, until The Lord decides to pick something else of mine that needs some reworking :) 

If you're in this stage, be encouraged and persevere. If you don't feel like you're in this stage, be praying for 2 things. First, pray that God would reveal something of yours that needs surrendered over to him. Next, pray that during that time, He would give you the strength and courage to completely surrender it so you can see clearly. 

Project Serve

This past weekend, I was able to lead a D-now weekend in Port Aransas. I love working with FBC Port A. The congregation is kind, the students are genuine, the environment is chill, and the scenery is beautiful and peaceful. I worked with FBC Port A about 2 years ago when I also led these high school girls for the first time. That weekend was my first time leading a D-now with students that I didn’t know so I feel like I have a special bond with these girls. Last year, I wasn’t able to help out because it ended up being the same weekend that my uncle passed away. So this year, I got to lead my girls again. I had 9 girls and 3 of them were from my original group from 2 years before. I don’t know if it’s possible to put into words how awesome and refreshing this weekend was for me, but I’m going to try! 

Our weekend was titled “Project Serve.” It focused on being a servant to Christ and how to serve, who to serve, and when to serve. It was so encouraging to hear my group of girls talk about how they can serve Christ and serve others. As a teenager, it isn’t always easy to serve those around you. I saw my girls take in what we were talking about in scripture and then put it to use just in the two days that I was with them. All 9 of them have so much to give and it was ­­encouraging to see them use that to show other people Christ. 

Another big component to the weekend was the worship sessions that took place. Phillip, the youth minister, brought in 2 guys from his hometown that were phenomenal. Cody, the worship leader, is only a senior in high school and did an amazing job leading worship. Granted, by the end of the weekend, about half of my girls were in love with him, but nevertheless, he was great. I­t was very evident that he was worshipping, not performing, and his goal was to worship Christ and not just show off his talents. Our speaker for the weekend, Zakk, was also really great. He’s a young adult, so he connected to the students really well and made scripture real for them. It was very clear that God was speaking through Zakk the whole weekend. Granted, my girls were convinced that it was God’s will for me to marry him, but oh well. Our small group sessions were heavily influenced by these two guys and it wouldn’t have been the great weekend that it was without them. 

On Sunday morning, Zakk called the leaders together and told us that his last message would be on the passage about Jesus washing feet. He told us that as leaders, we would be washing our student’s feet. I’m not gonna lie, my first thought was that I was thankful that I had high school girls and not a group of boys. However, the time spent washing the feet of my 9 girls with my co-leader was such a sweet time of service and worship. We washed their feet and prayed over them before sending them back into the real world where they could then go and serve their peers.

Every time I lead a weekend retreat, I end up feeling the same emotions.

Encouraged.

Refreshed.

Humbled.

Honored.

Joyful.

So often, I hear people ragging on teenagers in today’s society. I hear people call them selfish, rebellious, and focused only on popularity. However, this weekend showed me the complete opposite. I saw students with hearts ready to serve others and serve Christ and it was so rewarding.  I’ve seen some of these girls grow a lot over the last 2 years and I’m so excited to see how they continue to grow in Christ. I love each of those girls with my whole heart and it’s so humbling that I get to be a small part of their spiritual journey. Despite the massive amounts of coffee I had to drink this weekend, I left feeling refreshed, overjoyed, and excited to see God continue to move in their lives.