Change used to be a scary word for me.
It meant unknown.
Out of my control.
Scary.
And most of all, it meant giving up my pride.
While it's still slightly scary, I'm a lot better at change than I used to be.
I was talking with a colleague of mine and were discussing transitions. I started thinking about where I was at this time of my life last year. If I had any idea what the next year would bring, I probably would have crawled under the covers and not come out.
In the past year, I've experienced more death of dear family members and friends than I ever have in my life combined. I graduated college. I started a job. I started grad school. I started a relationship. I started a different job. I ended a relationship. I fell in love with a community of people that I never thought I would work with. I established a life in Waco. I found out how hard seminary truly is yet how rewarding it is.
So. Much. Change.
And you know what? I survived! I feel like I've grown and matured an incredible amount in the past year and especially in the past 6 months. I've learned a lot about myself. Qualities about me that I had pushed aside instead of dealing with. I have a lot more confidence in who I am and especially who I am in Christ. I've learned a lot about people and how despite being flawed (just as I am), at their core, people just crave to be loved and respected. I've learned that people won't agree with me on everything and that's perfectly okay.
I've learned that change is okay. It's inevitable and unavoidable. And from what I've learned, it's Christ teaching me that He is ALWAYS in control of my life even when I feel like it's out of control.
It's a good thing that I've become a lot more comfortable with change, because there's gonna be a lot of it in the next few weeks or so.
About a month and a half ago, I learned that the non-profit that I work for is shutting down and come October 31st, I will no longer have a job. The thought of leaving my kids, community, and colleagues makes me sick. I hate it. I can barely talk about it without tearing up. But whether I like it or not, it's happening. For the past 7 months, the residents at my apartment complex have become my life. I'm invested in the community and I absolutely hate having to leave them.
So preparing to leave my kids, looking for a new job, and *hopefully* starting a new job, there will be lots and lots of change. But that's okay!
But just as this past year has shown me, it will all be okay and God will sustain me when I cannot sustain myself.
Now, I've had a lot going on lately. School is getting crazy, work is crazy, my car is junk, and I have yet to find a new job. Lately, this has gotten my very stressed and has made more negative than I normally am. Ask anyone that has been around me the past week and they'll tell you that I've been a hot mess. I think Jessica and my mom are going to stop answer the phone when I call so they won't have to listen to me crying anymore. BUT. This is not okay. If I truly believe everything I wrote above, then there is no reason to be a constant hot mess. So please, if you catch me being negative about circumstances of my life, remind me of the words that I wrote above. It's easy for me to type everything out and say that I trust God and I'm not worried about money, jobs, and school. But it's a completely different story to live that out on a daily basis. Hold me accountable, yall! Remind me who is in control of my life and encourage me to pursue Christ with everything I have.
Thanks for reading, friends!
