Reconciliation

In Genesis 32 and 33, we see Jacob reconciling with Esau. As most of you know, Jacob had tricked his father and stole Esau's birthright. After not speaking for 14 years, Jacob was trying to reconcile with his twin brother. Esau and his 400 men could have easily killed Jacob for what he had done to him. Instead, Esau forgave him, they reconciled, and everything in the past was forgotten. A familiar story to most, right? However, there's one thing in this story that I think we tend to skip over. Before the reconciliation happens, Jacob wrestled with God. They wrestled all night long before Jacob was changed. 

Right now, it feels like I'm "wrestling with God." And friends, it isn't fun. 

Reconciliation isn't easy. It isn't our human nature to reconcile with those that have wronged us. There's a good chance that if I were Esau, it would've taken a lot longer than 14 years for me to forgive my brother when he stole all of my inheritance from me. Isn't it a wonderful thing that God still loves us even when we're brats?

I don't know if yall know this, but I'm very stubborn. Very very stubborn. I'm also a pro at what my pastor in Rockport would call "emotional cutoff." The combination of the two makes it very hard for me forgive those that wrong me. The majority of the time, it's easier for me to just remove myself from the situation/relationship than work through things. Especially if I tried to work through things and it just got worse. 

Jesus does not call us to this. He calls us to work things out. And in my head, I know this. I know that we are to forgive as He forgave us. I know that even if someone wrongs us a million times, we are to still forgive them (Luke 17:3-4). I know that it can damage relationships long term if we do not forgive one another. In my mind, I know all of this. But that doesn't mean that my heart wants to forgive. The past 2 years, I've been able to just be cutoff from a certain relationship and it's been pretty easy. I was deeply hurt and continually shut down so I threw in the towel. But all of the sudden, I am being reminded that bitterness and resentment are not healthy. This is why I say I'm wrestling with God. It sure as heck isn't going to be me that decides to change my own heart towards this person. Cause if it were up to me, I wouldn't.  He's changing my heart. We're wrestling. But we're not quite done yet and I'm not sure we will be anytime soon.

The whole point of this blog is to encourage those of you that are also in this season of life cause I know I'm not the only one feeling this way. Know that you aren't alone and know that it isn't easy. But I can also say that the Lord is faithful. I know this because He has put people in my life that have reminded me that reconciliation is the only option.  People that speak truth into me when I don't want to hear it. 

As my dear friend told me, "Make it right. Be bold, but not stubborn. Be bold for God.  Don't let anyone shut you down.  Don't stop loving."  

Or as another one told me, "Get it together and stop being so dang stubborn."