Semester Recap

Umm how the heck is it already the end of December?! There's no way that this semester is already finished. 

But lets be real, I'm so glad it is!

This semester was interesting for me. I was taking 3 classes at Truett and also working as the Children's Advocate at the Family Abuse Center. One of my classes is known for being the hardest one at Truett and while it did end up being challenging, it was so much fun and I learned a ton about the Old Testament. Even if the oral final (talking about something in the Old Testament for 20 minutes) literally almost killed me, I absolutely loved the class. 

It was my second semester at Truett and the sense of community there is exactly what I started praying for back in January when I started. I prayed for God to be very intentional about the people that He placed in my path. I prayed for Truett to be my safe place and a place I could turn to when I needed encouragement and support. And that's exactly what I got. Words can't even describe how influential everyone at Truett has been.

Above all, this semester was a semester of growth. I grew a lot spiritually which I am incredibly grateful for. I also learned A LOT about scripture this semester. I can't tell you how many times I called my mom after class and went "THIS PART OF THE STORY WAS NOT ON THE FELT BOARD IN SUNDAY SCHOOL!!!" But it's been really cool to learn more about God's word and see how exciting the Old Testament can actually be! I also grew a lot in my professional life. I started working at the Family Abuse Center and have learned so much about the field and also about people in the short time that I've been there. 

This semester also taught me a lot about myself. When God shows you your insecurities, it is rarely fun. However, it's really cool to look back and see what He has taught me over just a few short months. 

When I wasn't going to have a job anymore, He showed me that I needed to trust in Him more.

When I was exhausted and tired of studying and reading, He showed me where my strength comes from.

When I was nervous about starting a new job or taking a test, He showed me that He was my inner peace.

When friendships and relationships were slipping away, He showed me where my identity is found.

When the evilness of the world was too much to handle, He reminded me that He will always overcome the world.

This semester was full of learning. I learned a lot of knowledge in my classes, but I also learned a lot about myself and about people. It's been a hot mess. But it's been a hot mess in the best way possible!

Heartbreak

Sometimes, the world just makes me sad. I'm not talking about the "Man, I wish things were better" type of sad. I mean sad as in heartbreaking. Overwhelming. Disheartening. 

On Monday, I was sitting in class looking at Facebook (sorry, Dr.Weaver) and I literally almost started crying. I don't want to get into politics. Mainly because I've noticed a majority of people on my facebook thinking very differently than I do on certain topics. However, it's my blog so I can discuss what I want to discuss :)

The Texas governor made a decision that I didn't agree with. This broke my heart. It broke my heart to think about the people that fleeing from their homes with literally nothing in the hopes of staying alive. The think "if we can only get to ______ then someone will help us." So they get to America and what happens? All states in the south say no. They say no to helping the "least of these." 

Then, I get on Facebook and find people cheering for this decision. Not only were people cheering, but they were ecstatic at the fact that America would not help them. 

"Send them to another country so they can bomb them instead."

"We should just be killing them as they come into the country before they can kill us."

 "Send them home to fight." 

"Why should we help them?" 

 

We help them because they are human and have no where else to go. We are saying no to those that Jesus specifically told us to help. And why? Because they're a different religion? Because they're from a different country? That's not how it works! 

That's the part the made me sad. The responses from people that I call friends and family. It was something that I hadn't experienced before. A sadness and heartbreak that hit so close to home that I was overwhelmed with it all. 

Maybe this is a stretch, but when people talk about the refugees, I think of the clients at my work. The lady and her two babies that I had to pick up at the ER because her husband had assaulted her. The woman who had no where to go. She was scared, her life was in danger, and she only had the things she could grab as she ran out the door. SOMEONE has to help those people. Stepping into the lives of people who are in need and broken opens our eyes to the pain of all kinds of others.

So right now, I'm just really discouraged and disheartened with the people in the world. Everyone from those that commit acts of terror such as ISIS to hateful and closeminded people on my newsfeed. I open social media and I see more things that make me sad than those that make me happy. I'm heartbroken by the people of the world and I'm not sure that that is something I can come to terms with.

However, I'm not sure I'm supposed to come to terms with it. The book of John tells us, "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

Jesus is more than all of this. Jesus will overcome when I can't. His love will win. 

Change

Change used to be a scary word for me.

It meant unknown.

Out of my control.

Scary.

And most of all, it meant giving up my pride.

While it's still slightly scary, I'm a lot better at change than I used to be.

I was talking with a colleague of mine and were discussing transitions. I started thinking about where I was at this time of my life last year. If I had any idea what the next year would bring, I probably would have crawled under the covers and not come out.
In the past year, I've experienced more death of dear family members and friends than I ever have in my life combined. I graduated college. I started a job. I started grad school. I started a relationship. I started a different job. I ended a relationship. I fell in love with a community of people that I never thought I would work with. I established a life in Waco. I found out how hard seminary truly is yet how rewarding it is.

So. Much. Change.

And you know what? I survived! I feel like I've grown and matured an incredible amount in the past year and especially in the past 6 months. I've learned a lot about myself. Qualities about me that I had pushed aside instead of dealing with. I have a lot more confidence in who I am and especially who I am in Christ. I've learned a lot about people and how despite being flawed (just as I am), at their core, people just crave to be loved and respected. I've learned that people won't agree with me on everything and that's perfectly okay.

I've learned that change is okay. It's inevitable and unavoidable. And from what I've learned, it's Christ teaching me that He is ALWAYS in control of my life even when I feel like it's out of control.

It's a good thing that I've become a lot more comfortable with change, because there's gonna be a lot of it in the next few weeks or so.
About a month and a half ago, I learned that the non-profit that I work for is shutting down and come October 31st, I will no longer have a job. The thought of leaving my kids, community, and colleagues makes me sick. I hate it. I can barely talk about it without tearing up. But whether I like it or not, it's happening. For the past 7 months, the residents at my apartment complex have become my life. I'm invested in the community and I absolutely hate having to leave them.
So preparing to leave my kids, looking for a new job, and *hopefully* starting a new job, there will be lots and lots of change. But that's okay! 

But just as this past year has shown me, it will all be okay and God will sustain me when I cannot sustain myself. 


Now, I've had a lot going on lately. School is getting crazy, work is crazy, my car is junk, and I have yet to find a new job. Lately, this has gotten my very stressed and has made more negative than I normally am. Ask anyone that has been around me the past week and they'll tell you that I've been a hot mess. I think Jessica and my mom are going to stop answer the phone when I call so they won't have to listen to me crying anymore. BUT. This is not okay. If I truly believe everything I wrote above, then there is no reason to be a constant hot mess. So please, if you catch me being negative about circumstances of my life, remind me of the words that I wrote above. It's easy for me to type everything out and say that I trust God and I'm not worried about money, jobs, and school. But it's a completely different story to live that out on a daily basis.  Hold me accountable, yall! Remind me who is in control of my life and encourage me to pursue Christ with everything I have. 

Thanks for reading, friends!

Overwhelmed

Sometimes I get overwhelmed with the ways things are in my life right now. However, it's not a bad overwhelmed. It's a very very good overwhelmed. In the past week, I've cried 3 times from being overwhelmed with something. If you know me at all, you know that crying is pretty out of character for me. I'm not a crier. But lately, I am! 

I'm overwhelmed with my job. I LOVE my job. I actually love going in every day and seeing my residents. I love keeping up with them and helping them through everything life throws at them. Even if they can be absolutely crazy at times (ask me for stories, I have lots!), I absolutely love working with them. I'm sometimes overwhelmed with the fact that this is my job and that I love it so much. 

I'm also overwhelmed with my kids. I'm slightly obsessed with my kids at work. If you've talked to me at all in the last 5 months, you've probably heard about my kiddos. I just love them. Some of them come from rough backgrounds, but there's something special about each of them. They're smart, funny, and they have big dreams. It absolutely blows my mind sometimes that I get paid to hang out with them. I was sitting at work today playing cards with a group of them and it just kinda hit me. I'm actually getting paid to sit here and hang out with these teenagers. How awesome is that? 

I got to show a group of my older kids around Baylor last week. This was so so cool for me. They have huge dreams and I get to watch them work towards those goals and support them through each step. These kids have brought out my protective side, as well. I'll fight for them. I AM fighting for them. Try and mess with my kiddos, I dare you. No way, Jose. I like to think of myself as a genuinely nice person, but you mess with my kids and my "Momma Bear" side comes out. I sometimes think about when I finally become a mom. How am I gonna handle that?! I love my kids so much and I would do anything for them. And they aren't even my biological children! 

I'm also overwhelmed with support from my friends, family, and community. I honestly don't know how people have a job that they're passionate about when they don't have support from their friends and family. My friends and family support the work that I do. To the point where they have donated money and supplies for my kids. One of my family member's company donated a ton of backpacks and a ton of school supplies for our back to school fair. It totaled more than I ever expected. They wanted my kids to go to school with the same school supplies as everyone else. They were passionate about giving my kids what they need in order to do well in school because without education, these kids might be trapped. It's overwhelming to me that people give so much to my kids without even knowing them. This Friday, my mom and my aunt get to meet my kids. I don't know if I've ever been more excited!

More than anything, I'm easily overwhelmed by what Christ has given me in my life and everything He has done for me thus far. It's very easy for me to compare myself to others. It's something that Satan very easily uses against me. This is not a fun mindset to have. They say, "comparison is the thief of all joy," they aren't kiddin! Nor is it healthy. And when it comes down to it, it's a lack of trust in Christ. When I think about my life, though, I realize how much He has done for me. I'm getting an amazing education and learning an incredible amount, I have a job that I love, I work with kids that constantly challenge me and make me love more than I thought possible, and I have friends and family that support everything I do no matter what. 

And that is an overwhelming thought, my friends. In one of the best ways I could ever think of or imagine.

Hold Up, People.

I think I need to do a little explaining on my last blog post. 


1. I love Christians. Christian people have molded and shaped me into who I am today. They have encouraged me, supported me, and taught me many lessons. Good lessons and bad lessons. However, just like any other people, there are times when individual Christians miss the mark and don't act like they should. Doesn't mean they're inherently bad and it doesn't mean I'm no longer going to associate with them. It means that they're human. I just hate that we gave general society one more thing to hold against us.

2. The point of my post was NOT whether or not I agree with gay marriage. My opinion doesn't matter. Your opinion doesn't matter. What matters is the response. That was my point. Whether or not we agree with gay marriage should not change our attitude and respect towards gay people. 

3. Yes, I'm 22 and have these opinions. That doesn't mean I'm naive, dumb, or "indoctrinated by the liberal education system." It means I have opinions but I also realize that you have opinions as well.

Missed the Mark

I'm going to try my hardest to make this blog organized and really show my heart through my words. I'm prefacing with that sentence because right now, I have a lot of thoughts running through my head. Quite honestly, the thoughts aren't all that nice towards my fellow Christians. Up until now, I've kept my mouth shut about things that are going on politically (unless you're one of the privileged ones that have had the honor of listening to me rant about it) but I just can't anymore.

A week ago, the Supreme Court made homosexual marriage legal. And guess what.

Absolutely nothing changed.

If you're married, your marriage is still the same. Nothing more. Nothing less.

If you're not married, then you can still get married to someone of the opposite sex.

To me, marriage is a religious entity. It's a commitment between me, my husband, and God. The government is obsolete in a marriage. So why does it matter what the government decides? I serve Christ, not the government. 

Homosexuals make up 2% of the general population. So now 2% of our population is a little more happy. I don't see that as a problem.

But that's not the issue that has me struggling. My problem is that Christians missed the mark.

Last week, Christians were in the spotlight. People were waiting to see how we reacted. And you know what? As a whole, Christians failed.

The amount of hatred and judgment that I saw was sickening.

This was our chance. Our chance to show people that we can love them without agreeing with them. Our chance to embrace them and show them love and grace. And a ton of people, or at the very least, the loudest of people, were screaming judgmental and hateful things about the homosexual community.

Yall, there's a difference in supporting the person and supporting the sin. Why do we feel the need to call out the sin in a group of people? In order to call out the sin of someone, there must be a relationship present first. It's gone about in a very distinct way (shout out Matthew 18) and saying hateful things about a giant group of people is not the way to do it.

We're in a time in our country where Christians need to stand up.

Not to change policies.

Not to change it back to "the good ol days"

Not to call out the sin in everyone.

We need to stand up and love people like Christ loves us. If our words towards unbelievers (and even believers) are anything but loving, then they don't need to be said. If they have the potential to send someone running the other way away from Christ, then keep them to yourself.

Seek Christ

Love people.

Pray for our country.

Just stop with the hate and the judgement.  Those words aren't bringing anyone into the Church or showing anyone who Christ is.

Truthfully, there are much bigger issues we should be focusing on right now. Like the fact that churches are being burned down just because they are made up of mainly Black citizens. Or that mass shootings are still taking place. Or that a flag that is a symbol of racism and war is JUST NOW being taken out of use. Or the fact that there a ton of people in America that don't know where their next meal is coming from or where they'll sleep tonight. These are the issues that we need to pay attention to.

So on top of praying for our country and all the tension in the country right now, pray for Christians. I pray that all of my brothers and sisters in Christ will be hyper-sensitive to their actions and words, especially towards non-believers. I pray that we show Christ's love in every action we take, every word we speak, and every sentence we type.

You may not agree with anything I have to say but that's totally fine with me. That's the beauty of the human population. We can have different opinions and it's perfectly fine!

Not always easy, not always fun.

Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body.

Proverbs 16:29

 
Notice that this scripture doesn't add, "but only use these words if people are nice to you as well. Only if they're kind and treat you highly." 

Nope. It says that they are "sweetness to the soul."

When I'm at work, I try my best to keep this scripture in mind. A lot of the families I work with are full of bitterness, heartbreak, and despair. But I want to be gracious. To be that sweetness.

And you know what?
It's not always fun. And it's not always easy.

It's incredibly easy to speak gracious words to my kids when we're playing outside or eating lunch.

It's not so easy when they refuse to listen to anything I tell them.

It's incredibly easy to speak gracious words to parents when we're discussing the 4th of July party.

It's not so easy when they're yelling at me for something completely out of my control.

It's incredibly easy to speak gracious words to the parents that work multiple jobs just to put food on the table.

It's not so easy when a parent refuses to work and their child doesn't have food.

It's incredibly easy to speak gracious words to my kid who is super excited about seeing their dad over the weekend.

It's not so easy when that parent doesn't follow through and their child is heartbroken. again.

More than anything, it's incredibly easy to speak gracious words when they're spoken to me first.

However, in my line of work, that rarely happens. 
But can I expect any differently?
A lot of the families I work with have been through things that I can't even imagine. They've had rough lives. My kids have seen things by the age of 7 that I haven't even seen. So of course they're not gracious all the time. 

But that's even more of a reason for me to be gracious to them. To show them Jesus through my words and actions. Like I said, this isn't always easy nor is it always my first instinct. Lemme tell ya, there are times that I want to lay into my residents and say some not nice things. But that's when I have to push aside my fleshly nature and speak the words that God gives me. Cause those words sure as heck aren't the first ones that come to mind most of the time! 

When I started my job, I prayed that God would break my heart for what broke His and then to love those people like He loves them. At times, I've wished that I hadn't been praying that prayer for months.The truth is, 

                              I don't always want to love these people like He does.
                           I don't always want to invest my time and energy into them. 
                             And I don't always want to be kind and gracious to them. 
                           

 Loving His people can be painful.

But I'm glad that I've prayed that prayer because that's what I rely on on days like today when I leave work in tears. When I question if things will ever click for my residents. When I question why God has me in this job.

He has me here to love His people. Simple as that.

Whoah

How is it already the end of May?! That's pretty much what my life has been like lately.

"Whoah! How is already _______?!" Fill in the blank with a date, day of the week, time of day. It all sums it up perfectly.

These last few months have absolutely flown by which is why I haven't blogged since February. It's almost to the point where I don't even know what to blog about because SO much has happened!

So here it goes. Since the last time I blogged:

• I started a new job. At the time of my last post, I was stressing out about finding a job. I was anxious, worried, and insecure about not having a job. However, God provided (surprise surprise!) and I'm now the Community Coordinator at NewLife Alliance. This is a non profit that is based out of Austin but has sites all across the state. I work at an apartment complex that has low income families of all ages and I'm in charge of all of the social services. This includes the after school program, summer program, educational classes, monthly birthday parties, and just about anything that my residents need! I'm the only employee at the Waco site so I stay super busy but I really love it! There are days where I get in my car to drive home and just cry because the kids were so crazy and I'm so overwhelmed. But there are also days where my heart is so full because the kids bring me so much joy. Due to the demographics of the apartment complex, I have a lot of kids that have experienced things that I couldn't even imagine. They have parents in jail, open CPS cases, next to no money. But you know what? They're still kids that need love. I get to be the person that they see first thing after school. I get to be the one to give a hug when they get off the bus crying. I get to be the person that hangs out with them 3 hours every single day. Sometimes between the tantrums and tears, I forget how lucky I am to know my kiddos. 

• I finished my first semester at Truett!  This first semester was sooooo much fun for me. Even when I thought my head was going to literally explode from Christian Theology, I still thoroughly enjoyed my classes. I find it so cool that every single day, I would leave classes wanting to dig deeper and know more about what was discussed in class. I wanted to talk to people about what I was learning. I wanted to read more Scripture and look at more commentaries about what I was learning in class. I also met a lot of awesome people in my classes. One of my favorite things about seminary is that I'm meeting such a broad range of people. In my undergrad, I was around people my age that had very similar lives as I did. However, my classes at Truett are filled with people of different ages, backgrounds, spiritual journeys, and career goals. This adds sooooo much to classes. It brings about different perspectives and different views of scripture which makes it all so much more interesting. I'm so excited for the rest of my time at Truett!

• I went to Washington, DC for the first time! It feels weird to include this on here because it seems like so long ago. During Spring Break, me, my sister, and my brother in law all went to DC for my graduation present from my parents. One day in January (or somewhere around there), my sister texted me and said that they were having a sale on airline tickets to DC. We randomly decided to go because lets be real, when is airfare ever cheap?? Since most of the stuff in DC is free and we could stay with my sister's sister in law (thanks Emily!!), the trip ended up being pretty cheap! We saw just about everything there was to see in 3 days and by the end of the trip, I was pretty sure I wasn't going to be able to walk anymore. Seriously, my feet and legs have NEVER hurt as bad as they did on that trip. But it was so worth it!! I loved getting to see all the monuments, the museums, the White House, and just being in the city. I'm such a small town girl so experiencing a "big city" was completely new to me. I started off being completely incompetent about the metro to becoming a professional metro rider. I also loved getting to spend some quality time with Courtney and Justin. I'm so lucky to have a sister who is my best friend and a brother in law that puts up with us and actually likes hanging out with us! 

 Those were the three main things that took up my time this semester. For the majority of the semester, I was gone all day and would get home around 7, work on homework, then go to sleep. Despite being incredibly busy, stressed, and overwhelmed with things, I absolutely LOVED it. I got incredibly close two of my friends in Waco and I really don't know how I could have survived the semester without them. I learned things about myself including some of my strengths but also some of my weaknesses. I learned that it's okay not to have everything under control at all times. I learned that I can survive completely independent from my parents (due to the fact that I had really awesome parents to be dependent on for the first 22 years of my life). I learned that God can take our flaws and use them to connect us with other people for His glory. I learned that without Christ at the center of things, they fail regardless of how much you want to accomplish things on your own. Most importantly, I learned that God is faithful and present in every single aspect of my life. 

As for now, I'm in summer mode! This means lots of sunshine (if it ever stops raining and storming), summer camp, wedding planning (not mine, for the record!), reading books that aren't for class, and hopefully lots of sleeping!  

Lastly, please keep all of the flood victims in your prayers. I can't even begin to imagine what they're going through. Hearing the stories is absolutely heartbreaking.

Community

At the beginning of this semester, I could sense that a lot of changes were coming my way. Even though I was staying in Waco, I was starting a new chapter in my life. I had heard rather intimidating things about attending seminary, so I was a little nervous. However, my prayer for the semester was community. I was praying for community at Truett, at church, and within my friend group. I was also praying to see how each of those smaller communities fit into the Community of God. The Church. Big C Church. I made this my daily prayer. I prayed for true friendships and relationships. I prayed that each individual community would strengthen each other and glorify Christ. 

It's been almost 2 months since I've been praying about this and it has been SO cool to see how God has answered those prayers more than I could have ever imagined. Shout out to Ephesians 3:20 for that one. 

^" Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us"

I've seen God work in my group of friends here in Waco. It's been so cool to see how He has molded our group into the solid friend group it is today. From chick fil a runs to watching the Bachelor (don't judge), to laying in my bed late at night to calm me down when I'm having a freak out moment about a boy, my friends are seriously the best and I know God had a hand in that.

I've also seen God work in the community at Truett. Because I started in the Spring semester, our orientation group was a lot smaller than the regular orientation group in the Fall. However, I feel like we're a pretty close knit group. We're all in classes together and it's been such a joy getting to know each of them. At Truett, we also have Covenant Groups which are pretty much just small groups created to focus on our spiritual formation throughout our time at seminary. To be honest, I was a little worried about Covenant Group. I had heard that they were very hit or miss depending on the group. However, I have absolutely loved my group. There's only 4 of us plus our leader but we are such a diverse group of ladies. We are all different ages with different backgrounds, faith stories, and struggles. It's been incredibly encouraging to know that I have people praying specifically for me during the week. 

Lastly, I've seen God work with the community at church. Throughout undergrad, I had been going to a local church but hadn't been super involved. I missed the community that comes from a church family so I decided to get more involved. I found a class for young adults and then through that class, found a weekly Bible Study that was starting. Even though I'm still on the fence about Beth Moore Bible Studies (don't kill me, church ladies), I've loved having a group of girls that I meet with every week and study scripture with. The study is on Daniel and it's been really interesting. 

All of that being said, I've seen God go above and beyond these past 2 months. He's answered my prayers and even did it rather quickly which is even better since I can be rather impatient! I went into seminary very hesitant and doubtful about it. However, I have absolutely loved how everything has gone this semester and I couldn't be happier. My prayer will now be for these communities to strengthen and grow in Christ so we can better serve Him.

 And now it's time for the first round of tests so I have been doing lots of studying, reading, and lets be real, a lot of procrastinating. So I will be spending my weekend studying! Please come soon, Spring Break!!

Faith Story

At Truett, all students are required to be involved in a Covenant Group. This is for spiritual formation throughout our time at seminary. My group is composed of our leader, myself, and 3 other lovely ladies. We're all in different walks of life so I'm excited to see where The Lord guides us this semester. For our first assignment, we were asked to write out our faith story and share it with our group. I figured I would share it with yall too! It's rather long, so hang on with me. But it's hard to put 15 years of God's work into one story! I could go into way more detail with every event and if you want more detail, just ask and I would be happen to tell more!

Faith Story

When I think about writing out my whole faith story, I get slightly overwhelmed. I was baptized at age 7 so this story goes across a span of 15 years. It’s overwhelming because I’ve seen God do so much. From the huge events that can only be explained through Him to the little situations that I can look back on and think, “God that was totally you. I had no idea at the time, but that was all you.” I reflect back on the happy times, the times filled with sorrow, and the times filled with anger. The times when I felt like God was running next time me but also the times when I couldn’t feel him near for long periods of time.

Like I said before, I was baptized when I was 7 years old. My sister and I were baptized at the same time by our father in front of our church. Even though this is huge milestone in my journey, I would not classify it as one of the defining moments. It was only the first introduction. The seed that was planted that would eventually grow and blossom. For the next few years, nothing truly significant happened. Which looking back now, I can see that this wasn’t necessarily a good thing. Once I got to high school, I could feel The Lord preparing me. This absolutely terrified me. I was comfortable. I went to church twice a week, followed all the rules, was nice to everyone, so I thought I was good to go. However, God very abruptly showed me that this was not okay. Going through the motions and looking like the “good” Christian is not okay. For about 5 or 6 months, I didn’t feel God’s presence in my life. These months were filled with doubting, searching, and figuring out what I believed. By the end, I had finally made my faith in Jesus Christ my own. I didn’t just believe what my parents told me and I didn’t just pray when I needed something. I had an actual relationship with Jesus Christ. One that sustained me and brought me joy. Looking back, I see how this was in God’s plan for my life and how it was timed perfectly.

It’s not possible for me to talk about my faith and not include my church family. Aside from my biological family, my church family has had one of the biggest impacts on my spiritual formation. I grew up in Rockport, TX and my church family was filled with some of my favorite people. I had a group of people that truly knew me, loved me, and prayed for me. They were invested in my life, my activities, and especially my spiritual formation. Obviously, my biological family was incredibly important as well. My family is rather large, so I have always seen my great aunts and uncles, 2^nd and 3^rd cousins, and whatnot on a pretty regular basis. My best friends include my sister, mom, aunt, and cousin. My family means the world to me. They were always supporting me and praying for me. While this is a great thing that I wouldn’t trade for anything in the world, it also made me a people pleaser to the extreme. I found myself living my life to please people that loved me, instead of pleasing Christ. This is a character trait that was pointed out to me in high school and that I’ve struggled with every single day. This all came to a head towards the end of my undergrad. A huge disagreement happened in my home church and it caused a lot of division. People that I had looked up to for years and had been mentors to me were suddenly in the wrong. I saw human nature come out more than Christ-like nature and it was horribly unpleasant. I learned that people fail. It’s inevitable. This is one of the many reasons that I cannot live for people. They will fail me time and time again yet Christ will not.  I literally have to wake up every day surrender that part of me over to Christ and even then, it is a daily struggle for me. However, I seen how this character trait, or flaw, also instilled in me a yearning to help people. To make their life better because I desperately want people to be happy. So while at times it can be bad, it has also shaped me into who I am.

I surrendered my life to Christian ministry my senior year in high school. I had no clue what it would look like and I wouldn’t figure it out until halfway through my undergrad. Once I got to college, I knew that I was being called to help the people in the world that were broken and hurting. I also knew that I was being called to seminary which absolutely terrified me. I didn’t want to go and I especially did not know how I was going to pay for it. After months of prayer and talking to different people, I applied to Truett for the Masters of Divinity and Masters of Social Work dual degree program. So not only was I now getting 1 Masters degree, but two. I got accepted but I had no idea how to pay for it. I absolutely knew that I was supposed to be a part of this program and if I knew that I was called to do it, then God would make it happen. It was a time where God was teaching me patience and how to be faithful and trust Him. A week after I told Truett that I would be attending, I was notified that I received a scholarship that would pay for 100% of my tuition at Truett.

The last major milestone in my faith story happened last semester and it was definitely the most significant because it forced me to deal with something I hadn’t dealt with before and it forced me to place my trust in Christ because I literally had no other option. Growing up, I had never had to deal with the death of someone close to me. Even to this day, all 4 of my grandparents are still alive. I had never had to experience it until last semester. On October 18^th my Uncle Matt died of a heart attack. He had had the heart attack 2 weeks before, and had been in ICU until he passed away. Uncle Matt was one of my favorite people in the world. I had grown up with him as my second dad. He was a genuinely good guy that loved the Lord and loved every person that he came in contact with. The weeks leading up to his death were filled with tears, long days, and lots of prayer. Prayer that started as begging and bargaining and eventually changed to prayers asking for peace and comfort for us. After he died, I also learned that it was okay to be mad at God for a little bit. It’s okay to think that His plan isn’t fair. It’s part of the grieving process. Still today, there’s days where it still doesn’t feel real and I hate it. About a month after he died, one of my best friend’s moms passed away. In a span of a month, two of my favorite people in the world were gone. It seemed like everyone around me was hurting, including myself. While these were times that caused immense pain and sorrow, they were also times that I saw God present the most. I saw Him in people that ministered to us, in ways that He comforted us, and simply just the fact that we were able to get out of bed every morning afterwards. There was no way possible that I would have been able to do it without him strengthening me along the way.

At this point in my life, I don’t know if I have ever felt closer to God. I’m noticing little things in my life that He is doing and they bring me so much joy. I’m surrounded my people that bring me closer to Him, I attend a great school that has me constantly exploring my faith, and I’m just so happy. It’s been so interesting to look back and see how He has used things to prepare me for what was going to happen. For instance, even though the process he took me through in high school was difficult at the time, if He had not made me reevaluate my relationship with Him, I would not have been able to handle Uncle Matt’s death. The strength that He had built up within me was put to use during the most trying time of my life. This semester, I’m praying for community. Community within my classes, my church, and my friends. Then also how each of those individual communities will work towards the Kingdom of God. I’m excited to see what God will do with me during these next few years in Waco. I have no idea what the next few years will look like. I’m sure there will be highs and lows, but I’m even more sure that my relationship with Christ will withstand it all.

Immediate Satisfaction

I've recently become very aware of how our society runs on immediate satisfaction. We want our food fast, quick results, and the perfect thing the first time. Did you know that Amazon is providing a service where you can order something online and they get it to you within a few hours?! Anything we want with the click of a button and we'll have almost immediately. When things don't work that way (which lets be real, is the majority of the time), we get rather upset. This is why gym memberships sky rocket at the beginning of the year and then everyone stops going by February.

I think this is also why my generation has a problem with owning our faith and having a long-lasting relationship with Christ. 

How many times have we prayed for something for a week and then decide that it's not happening so we just stop praying about it?

Guilty? I am. 

How many times do we want to grow closer to Him and when it doesn't happen immediately, we decide that it's not gonna happen? 

In scripture, we aren't told that our prayers will be answered immediately. When it comes down to it, there isn't a sense of time in Heaven, so of course God doesn't answer our prayers depending our own timeline. In 1st Corinthians 9, Paul talks about running the race. He says to,

"Run in such a way as to get the prize. Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last, but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. Therefore I do not run like someone running aimlessly; I do not fight like a boxer beating the air. No, I strike a blow to my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize."

This race that Paul talks about running isn't a sprint, it's a marathon.Throughout this race, there will be times when we have strength and power but there will also be times when we are weary and tiresome. However, throughout it all, we run the race for Him and trust that He will strengthen us.

Psalms 37:7 tells us to "Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him; do not fret when people succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes." 
I am SO bad at being still and waiting for the Lord to act. By nature, I'm a "fixer." I see a problem, so I fix it. I don't like something that's happening, so I fix it. But this isn't what scripture is telling me to do. I'm told to wait patiently for Him to do His work. 
 

This is something that has been on my heart the last few weeks. When I'm in a situation that I don't want to be in, I need to trust that God will either remove me from that situation, somehow show me the reason for being there, or simply just give me the strength to continue on until He works it out for His good. 

I've decided that I need to pray for this daily. So when I call my mom crying about hating something, like I did recently, I can be reminded that I am there for a reason. Whether it is just for me to simply grow as a person or to influence others around me, I am there for a reason that I do not know yet. But the Lord knows it all, so who am I to question that?