Death

Death is a weird thing.

It's unnatural.

Unfair.

Surreal.

Up until a few weeks ago, I had never had to deal with death. I'm 22 years old and all of my grandparents are still alive and no one super close to me has died. Until now. On October 18, 2014 my Uncle Matt passed away. It's so incredibly strange for me to type that because it still doesn't feel real. 

As my brother put it, Uncle Matt was one of the good ones. And when we say "good," we mean it in the truest sense of the word. He was one of those guys that would do everything in his power to help you even if he didn't know you. He made friends with everyone he met and he could put a smile on anyone's face.  He had a servants heart which was very evident by looking at how he spent his time and energy. He loved Despicable Me and Kung Fu Panda and watched them frequently. He made some of the best BBQ I have ever eaten in my life and he rocked his crocks better than anyone else I know. He was one of the greatest uncles I could ever ask for. From birth, he treated me as his daughter and always welcomed me into his home. 

Death can be sudden. It can happen when we least expect it. Like I said, I've never had to deal with death, so when he died, I wasn't exactly sure how to handle it.I've taken classes on the grieving process and how to help families through the death of a loved one. But it's not the same as actually going through it firsthand. I know for a fact that without my family and Christ, I wouldn't have been able to handle it. We had to learn how to grieve together. We learned what it meant to truly feel heartbreak and deeply hurt for one another. It's a feeling that I've never experienced before and one I certainly do not want to feel again anytime soon.

When a loved one dies, we're expected to cry and be sad. But a lot of times, if we mention anger, we're suddenly in the wrong. 

But sometimes, you just need to tell someone that this sucks. 

Death sucks. 

It sucks that we lost Uncle Matt so suddenly. 

It sucks and I absolutely hate it. 

A lot of times, especially in the Christian environment, it almost feels off limits to be angry. Not necessarily angry at God but just angry that it happened. People can make it seem like if you're angry, it's a sign that you don't have enough faith in God. I don't think of it that way. You can be angry and still have complete faith and trust in God. That's where I'm at right now. Of course, I'm still incredibly sad that my beloved uncle is gone. But I'm also angry that he's gone. It's not fair by any means. But is my faith still intact? Of course. It's stronger than ever actually.

Now, don't take that last paragraph to say that I'm angry at the world or at God. I still see God's goodness all over the place. Heck, I've seen the Church and the love of Christ in action a ton in the past few weeks. I've felt comfort that I know can only come from Him. I'm simply angry at the situation. In time, I know I won't feel this way. But at this point, that's where I'm at. 

Every once and while, I see something that makes me think of Uncle Matt and it hits me like a ton of bricks that he's actually gone. For instance, I went to send a text and his name popped up on my phone screen with the messages he had sent me. It was filled with lots of emojis and silly pictures. He loved using emojis. Or I'll think about going back home and him being at my grandma's house. It's like a punch in the gut when I realize that he won't be there. It's such an odd and horrible feeling that I have yet to get used to. 

The one consolation that I have in all of this is that I know I will see Uncle Matt again and I can't help but smile when thinking of what a glorious reunion that will be. For some reason, I picture him running towards me in a sombrero, like in the picture below, and giving me a big ol hug. It's times like this that I'm so incredibly thankful for salvation. I know I will see him again. But until then, I'm still on this side of Heaven. And while I'm here, I'm going to live a life that Uncle Matt would want me to live. This includes lots and lots of laughter, lots of family, serving others, and glorifying Christ every chance I get.

"Whenever anybody whom we love dies, we discover that although death is commonplace it is terribly original. We may have thought about it all our lives, but if it comes close to us, it is quite a new, strange thing to us, for which we are entirely unprepared. It may, perhaps, not be the bare loss so much as the strength of the bond which is broken that is the surprise, and we are debtors in a way to death for revealing something in us which ordinary life disguises.”
― William Hale White